"The notion that such persons are gay of heart and carefree is curiously untrue. They lead, as a matter of fact, an existence of jumpiness and apprehension. They sit on the edge of the chair of Literature. In the house of Life they have the feeling that they have never taken off their overcoats."
- James Thurber, My Life and Hard Times

Sunday, November 29, 2009

The countdown begins

I told you I'd remind you...

This Thursday, I'll be at the Buena Park Public Library, from 6:00 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. along with two other authors Teresa Burrell and Jeff Sherratt, talking about mysteries. Actually, Teresa set up the event, so the whole evening's a mystery to me.

But I'd like to see lots of faces in the audience. Not for myself - I'm the same goofball with one person that I am with a room full. I just want libraries to start getting the interest they deserve. After all, it's free entertainment.

Free. Entertainment. Did you get that? Go to a library, spend an evening with some fun people, maybe even check out a book or a movie. FOR FREE.

Come out to Buena Park and see me, Tee, and Jeff. We're fun, I promise. Okay, Jeff talks a lot, but he's interesting, and I'm bringing duct tape. (Just joking, Jeff! Ha ha.)

I'll make this as easy as possible:
1. Here's where to find Buena Park. It's in California, in case you don't recognize the shape.
2. The Public Library is at 7150 La Palma Avenue. In Buena Park. Here's what it looks like:

Okay, it's a little fuzzy, but it's the best I could do with the resources I've got.

3. If you get lost, their phone number is 714-826-4100.

4. When you get there, we will be in the 2nd Floor Boardroom, at 6:00 p.m.

After the talk, we will all have books for sale. But you don't have to buy any. You can just enjoy the pleasure of our company. The only way I can make this easier is if I came to your house, helped you out of your jammies and into that nice velour track suit, and drove you to the library.
Let me know if you need a ride.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thanks for a million little things

Thanksgiving is here (for us Americans) and a lot of people are writing up lists of what they're thankful for. I don't blame them - it's appropriate. As I am the kind of person who is equal parts irreverent and schmaltzy, I could come up with a list. I could make a video, where I tell everyone how grateful I am for my family and friends and life. I can even deliver it in an Over-the-Top, Mop-Me-Off-the-Floor, Halle-Berry-Oscar-Moment weeping extravaganza.

But I'm not gonna. The schmaltzy moment came and went about 7:15 this morning, while I was writing an article about when my son was a baby.

So here's my irreverent, completely non-schmaltzy, random list of what I'm thankful for this year.

1. I'm thankful that I'm no longer doing this:

Yes, that's right - I was a flying angel in the Crystal Cathedral's Glory of Christmas (and the Glory of Easter). For ten years, I was hung by wires twice nightly and three times on the weekends, flown 60-80 feet in the air above the pews in the sanctuary. I knew all the cues by heart; I used to take my sweats off and put my costume on at the start of O Little Town of Bethlehem. The day I started undressing in the middle of Macy's when they started playing that song was the day I knew I should turn in my wings.

2. Speaking of shows, I'm thankful I met this guy:

I've now seen Penn & Teller's Las Vegas show three times. Love 'em!

3. Speaking of Vegas, I'm also thankful for this guy:

Without Dino, we wouldn't have cool. Who would Benny Needles emulate?

4. Still speaking of Vegas, I'm thankful for my friend Robin:

Robin is my wild-haired friend (and extraordinary artist), who talks me into spur of the moment escapades, like this one. We spent two days going to shows (like Spamalot and yes, Penn & Teller), getting massages at the spa and napping. Pure decadence!

5. Speaking of decadent, I'm thankful for Starbucks eggnog lattes.

6. I'm thankful I'm not Sarah Palin. (I could post a picture here, but I just don't feel like it, 'kay?) Sure, she got a $6 million advance for her "book", and rumor has it she's sold 700,000 copies BUT:

** Everyone's selling the $28.99 hardcover at GREATLY reduced prices. Amazon has it listed at $14.50. That's 50% off. By contrast, Freezer Burn is only reduced 15%. Clearly, Amazon thinks more highly of my little mystery, right?

** Even if you estimate Palin's royalties at 15%, she's only earned about $1.5 million of her advance. It may be a long time before she starts getting royalty checks. If sales don't improve, Harper Collins may not offer her a second book deal.

7. I'm thankful I'm not the President. Not just the current one, but any President of the U.S. It's a thankless job. You can't open your mouth without having a microphone shoved in your face. If you dress up, you're wasting the taxpayer's money on clothes. If you dress down, you're presenting a shabby front to the rest of the world. There's no way to be a great President until you've been out of office about 20 years - or you're dead. No thanks.

8. I'm thankful I have a goofball for a son:

I'd love him anyway, but that he shares my sense of humor is like icing on life's cake.

9. I'm thankful for precut bags of broccoli, carrots, and green beans in the produce aisle. I'd never eat my veggies if part of the work wasn't done for me.

10. I'm thankful that I have room in my heart for schmaltz. You can't be a smartass 24/7.

Happy Thanksgiving, all you Yanks!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Three little words

I've got three words for you today, plus a bunch of back-up words to explain. Ready?

Visit the library.

I know, most of the people who read this blog LOVE to read BOOKS, and they OF COURSE know that libraries contain BOOKS. Therefore, by following the "if A=B and B=C, then A=C" theorem, it should be obvious - if readers love books and books are in libraries, then readers should love libraries.

So why are there so few people at library events?

I thought about my own inability to get to them, and decided it's just plain laziness. I look at the library calendar and think something looks interesting - then either I forget about it, or the day comes and I'm too "busy" fixing dinner or grocery shopping or doing some other thing I could have juggled in order to go to the library and hear a good story. I suspect I'm not the only one who does this.

The first library event I attended was at the Placentia Public Library (my hometown, go-to library), where I listened to Gary Phillips and Denise Hamilton speak on their book of anthologies, Los Angeles Noir. As any good talk, it veered from the book to the writing process to the art of the mystery. I remember being impressed with their graciousness and enthusiasm - qualities that some people might not have with an audience of ten. And two of them were volunteers working the event.

My own experience at two libraries - Mt. Zion and Decatur, in Illinois, were much the same. I had 8-10 people at each evening, and several of those were family members. But Gary and Denise taught me well. I was as engaging and enthusiastic and approachable as I could be. Everyone seemed to have a good time, and I did sell a few books, so the evenings turned out well. Between you and me, I enjoyed the Mt. Zion Library the most, only because 1) the library director stayed for the event and 2) there were two reporters for two different newspapers, who asked a lot of fun questions.

I have two library events coming up in Orange County next month. On December 3rd, I'll be at the Buena Park Public Library, on a panel of writers (Teresa Burrell, Jeff Sherratt, and myself) to talk about mysteries. The event starts at 6:00 p.m. and if you want more information, the library has a nice blog about it.

On December 30th, I'll be at the La Habra Public Library, starting at 2:30 p.m. and talking about "Write What You Know, then Change It." I'm really excited about La Habra, because they called me. (I know, it's crazy!)

Both of these libraries are doing as much as they can to advertise to everyone in the community. I'm sure they'd love to have to bring chairs into the room to seat the overflow. Trust me, I'll be as happy seeing one person as fifty, but I'd like to see the events get good attendance, just for the libraries' sakes.

But of course it's hard for me to berate you for not attending, if I also flake out on library programs.

Here's my new plan: the next time my library offers an interesting program, I will mark it on my calendar. And then I will plan to attend, from shopping early to fixing dinner in the crockpot that morning.

I may even branch out and visit neighboring libraries - which is one of the reasons for this blog. Even if you're not a resident of Buena Park, or La Habra, if you're in the vicinity, please stop by for a visit to our author events. I'd love to see you, and the libraries could use the attendance. Do they make money at these events? No, but they make friends. Doesn't a trip to the library make you wonder why you aren't there more often?

So mark your calendars for December 3rd, and December 30th. Don't worry - I'll remind you again as the dates get closer.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Truth in shopping

The holidays are upon us. How do I know?

Because I saw this in Albertson's Supermarket tonight:

"Screw the diet. Mama wants chocolate."

Sunday, November 15, 2009

And now, a word from our sponsor

I need to tell you all what a wonderful time I had last weekend, but I fear I must proselytize first. But don't be afraid - it has a little something to do with books, in a roundabout way.

This past Friday night, my son's choir sang the National Anthem at the L.A. Galaxy's soccer game. It was a very important game; as the Major Soccer League Western Conference Finals, it would be televised on ESPN2.

My son is actually in three choirs at school - this is the VHS Vocal Jazz choir, an audition only group. He auditioned for them as a freshman and didn't get in, then worked his butt off to get in as a sophomore, and has been a part of the group ever since. Here's a video of last year's crew (Sonny Boy is the 2nd soloist):

Many of the kids graduated, so this year is populated by new recruits, all strong singers, and all inexperienced at performing in front of 25,000 people, PLUS knowing it will be televised to who-knows-how-many soccer fans (not to mention friends and family across the country).

As the choir booster club president, I helped with tickets, chauffeured the kids to the game, and helped out where the choir director needed me. As a repayment, I got to go down on the soccer field and watch the sound check. (Side note: That field is ENORMOUS.)

I told kids not to expect too much from the televised aspect of their performance. Having watched plenty of sports events with my hubby, I know the cameras do not caress the singer's face for the whole song. They pan the crowd, the players, and sometimes even the flag.

I also know how distressing a TV appearance can be. When I was a flying angel at the Crystal Cathedral's Glory of Christmas, the local news interviewed me. I raced home to see my snippet and was appalled. I realize I have fairly large teeth, but they seemed to leap out of my mouth at the camera with every word I spoke. Actually, it reminded me of someone...

But I digress.

Back at the soccer field, the kids were excited. They were nervous. When it came time to sing, they were magnificent. Their voices rose, strong and reverent, as fireworks went off behind them. It was a great moment.

It also wasn't televised. ESPN2 decided to cut to commercial, rather than show the singing of the National Anthem.

I wasn't disappointed, except to feel badly for the kids who had told Grandma to tune in at 8:00 p.m. But it nagged at me, for another reason.

This game was on November 13th, two days after Veteran's Day. Two days after we've trotted out our Sunday finest to honor the men and women who fought for their country and lived to tell the tale. Two days after our neighborhoods hoisted their flags and held ceremonies.

Two days later and a national TV channel (owned by Disney, I believe) cannot be bothered to display a couple of minutes of patriotism if it means one less commercial spot. For all their millions, they'd still rather have the money.

No, I'm not surprised, but color me disgusted.

What does this have to do with books? It has a lot to do with the marketing, I think. If I were in the MLS public relations department, I'd be demanding that the National Anthem be televised at any MLS broadcast. Why?

Because soccer is not perceived as an American sport. It's regional, at best, for kids. We live in California, so my son played it, from the time he was six until this year. By contrast, it wasn't really an offering for my brother's kids in Illinois - they were more about baseball and basketball. If the Major Soccer League wants to increase its visibility, its attendance at games, its viewers on TV, and ultimately its revenues, it needs to hook into the American consciousness.

One way I'd think they could do this is to market soccer as an American sport. The subliminal message of hearing the National Anthem prior to a soccer game is just one way to start turning the public's mind around, as in, "Hey, Martha, guess what? Americans play soccer!"

Oh, and maybe stop hiring these guys. They may be good, but the country will rally behind home-grown talent before they warm up to the European blood.

So the good thing about Friday night was, I began to think about marketing on more levels. I use the internet, both in direct selling and social networking. At bookstores and festivals, etc, I can hand sell books fairly easily. But what am I missing? What little piece of my novel could be used to sell books? What can I use to reach a more global market?

What about you? If you're an author, what are you using to market your books? If you're a reader, what kind of marketing makes you go out and buy? Even better, what kind of campaign makes you run away?

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Down thru the chimney with good Saint...

Okay, I don't know if he's a saint or not, but Nick Valentino is on a whirlwind tour this month to promote his novel, Thomas Riley. Before I met Nick, I had never heard of Steampunk, and now... well, I've heard of it. Seriously, it sounds like a wonderful new genre that I've barely scratched the surface learning and I'd love to jump into all the layers.

Here today, Nick is going to give you all a hint of what Steampunk is all about, along with some of his observations about what it's like to be a published writer in the 21st Century:

* * * * * * * * * * *

The Extra Twenty Miles

The bane of every writer is the idea that they have to promote their own book. At writer’s conferences, when promoting your work is brought up a huge collective groan rumbles through the audience. We all want to just write… right?

Being a writer without a huge Little Brown contract leaves all of us in the dilemma of promoting your own work. So there’s, book signings, conferences, travel, bank accounts, shipping, print ads, online ads, out of the box promotion, air fare, wardrobe, taxis, banners, flyers, photo shoots, social networking, maintaining a blog (or three), postcards, book marks, stickers, buttons, packing materials, blog touring, contacting bookstores, expense breakdowns, planning meetings, Paypal, pre-orders, posters, websites, con registrations, hotel reservations, contests, wholesale orders, returned books, book reviews and sending review copies… Had enough? That doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface.

Here I am in the middle of my thirty day blog tour, day seventeen to be exact, and I can tell you this. I’m pretty darned overwhelmed. Keep in mind I like doing a lot of this stuff, so life could be worse. I could be digging ditches in the rain somewhere right? I enjoy making things happen and actually seeing a tangible product when you’re done with each little goal. The problem lies in the fact that there is often simply too much to handle. I have friends and family helping and it’s still not enough.

I promise, I’m not complaining. I’m just trying to say that writing is never just writing. In order to get noticed amongst the other hundred thousand books that were released this year, you the author have to go the extra twenty miles. Nope, one mile isn’t close to enough.

When I was finished writing my Steampunk (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steampunk) novel, Thomas Riley, the work had really just begun. I had all of these grand plans for promoting the book, and I’m making those happen now, but it’s so easy to get caught up in one aspect of promotion. For instance, I’ve been breaking my days up into individual goals. Friday I created new “@sirthomasriley.com” emails. I contacted about ten cons around the country and I lined up promotional models to appear at the cons. Monday I created a definitive list with prices and priorities of cons. Tuesday I made a back log of expenses and finalized my company bank account for book sales. It’s hardly the stereotype of a writer, right?

Obviously the most important part of being an author is the writing, but I have to say that your chances of really spreading the word about your book are pretty slim unless you make promoting said book a way of life. I’m like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde… No more like Professor Nerdy and Mr. Hollywood PR Guy.

From all this hard work, comes my obsession, my passion and my first novel, Thomas Riley. I only gave you a Wiki website with the explaining what Steampunk is, but think of it this way: Chill 1 part Jules Verne, mix with two parts Indiana Jones, add a mixer of H.G. Wells and for flavor twist in a little Frankenstein.

Thomas Riley Blurb:

For more than twenty years West Canvia and Lemuria have been at war. From the safety of his laboratory, weapons designer Thomas Riley has cleverly and proudly empowered the West Canvian forces. But when a risky alchemy experiment goes horribly wrong, Thomas and his wily assistant Cynthia Bassett are thrust onto the front lines of battle and forced into shaky alliances with murderous sky pirates in a deadly race to kidnap the only man who can undo the damage: the mad genius behind Lemuria's cunning armaments.

Find out more at:

You can purchase signed copies at:


* * * * * * * * * * *
Thanks, Nick!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Hooked on Classics worked for me

Although I'm not officially enrolled in NaNoWriMo, I'm trying to keep a schedule this month and write at least 1,000 words a day. I think the contest's goal is 2,000 words a day, but I need to keep a goal I think I can honestly reach. I'm 10,000 words into the second book in my Peri Minneopa series, and I've been having some personal motivation problems. If I have 40,000 words by the end of the month, I could call it progress.

That being said, something's burning holes in the creative landscape of my brain, so I'm going to have to stop writing that scene where Skip is interviewing a possible suspect while Peri lays in the bushes of the Alta Vista Country Club, having been knocked out by a blow from a golf club, and then…

Anyway, I've been thinking about literary fiction in general, and the classics in particular. Until I married Dale, I had been hooked on classics. If it wasn't at least 50 years old, I didn't want to read it. My book shelves are filled with Dickens, Nabokov, Steinbeck, Cather. Oh, sure, I indulged in pulp fiction, but it had to be from a time gone by - Edgar Rice Burroughs, Zane Grey, Raymond Chandler. Dale got me into reading Dean Koontz, but that's another post.

Now this is coming back to bite me, as I race through all the mystery writers I missed, because if one more person says, "Oh, you've got to come, So-and-So will be there with a new book," and I have to resort to Google to find out how famous So-and-So is, I'm going to hit myself in the head with a rock.

But I still love the old stuff, and I especially love the resurgence of the oldies by way of the macabre twists. I bought Pride and Prejudice and Zombies just to read for Halloween. If I like it, I may have to read Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters.

As a writer, I want to get into the act. So, ladies and gentlemen, for your enjoyment, may I present:

Of Mice and Menopause
by Gayle Carline

"Where we goin', Georgia?"

The sweaty woman jerked down the hem of her sticky blouse and scowled at Lennie. "So you forgot that awready, did you? I gotta tell you again, do I? Jesus Christ, you're a crazy bastard!"

"I forgot," Lennie said softly. "I tried not to forget. Honest I did, Georgia."

"OK - OK. I'll tell ya again. I ain't got nothing to do. Might jus' as well spen' all my time tellin' you things and then you forget 'em, and I tell you again."

"Tried and tried," said Lennie. "but it didn't do no good. I remember about the rabbits, Georgia."

"To hell with the rabbits. That's all you ever can remember is them rabbits." And then Georgia took out her gun and shot Lennie, because he should've known better than to annoy her in the middle of a hot flash.

The End.

Author's postscript: This is in no way an endorsement of violence just because you're uncomfortable, nor is it an indictment of women over a certain age who are apt to find themselves a little cranky over the fact that someone has set their internal organs on fire. It's just fiction, people.

Okay, now I can get back to work.

Monday, November 2, 2009

The view from the Border(s)

Borders Books in Brea - I've hit the big time!

I had my first FREEZER BURN signing at a Big Box o' Books yesterday. It was an interesting experience, although, I've noticed lately that I don't ever have boring experiences. But I digress…

It may be my first large-scale signing, but I think I learned a few things, things I'd like to pass on to others.

1. You Will Never Be Prepared Enough, and It Will Not Always Be Your Fault.

Even though I gave the staff promotional material, and even though I stopped by the store twice to verify that everything was ready, when I got there on Sunday, it was almost all for naught. The good news is, they had 20 copies of my book. The bad news is, I had met with two different floor managers, neither of which was on duty that day. They had relayed the information to this manager (a darling young man named Spenser) that I would be there someday at sometime.

"We have your stuff," he explained. "But nobody told me you'd be here today."

He set up a table and brought out books and was ever so charming about whether I needed anything else, and a little apologetic that he didn't have a clue where my promo material might be. Fortunately, I had a copy of the flyer in my car and he provided an easel for it.

Lesson: Bring EVERYTHING.

2. Location Is Important.

They set the table up in the middle of the store, behind the 50% Off racks. This made it difficult to greet customers. If I stood by the table, people took alternate paths to avoid me. As a matter of fact, they maneuvered quicker than a tight end running for the touchdown. If anyone was brave enough to walk toward me, they didn't seem to "connect" me with my books on the table - my books with my flyer with my picture on it.

When I sat down, I got better results. People were curious about me, sitting at a table in the middle of the bookstore, and I was able to engage them in conversation.

In hindsight, I should have asked Spenser if we could move my table up to the front door. I didn't because I didn't want to seem like a diva.

Lesson: Sometimes it's okay to be the diva.

3. People Buy Books in Inverse Proportion to How Much They Talk.

Several people came up and asked me about my book, talked to me at length about books in general, the writing process, and even my days as a software engineer. None of these people bought my book. Not only that, but I knew they weren't going to buy it. It's just one of those things, like a sixth sense. The Salesgirl in me wanted to (gently) shuffle them off. The Curious Person in me wanted to hear their stories. The Soft Heart in me didn't want them to feel discarded. By a vote of two-to-one, the Salesgirl lost.

Lesson: Tell the Salesgirl to shut up and listen.

4. Life is Sometimes a Pleasant Surprise.

Of the two floor managers I spoke to, one of them was very friendly, always laughing and easy to talk to. The other manager was, well, not. She had a reserved nature, very cautious, and always a serious expression on her face. Some might call it dour. When it was nearly closing time and I had sold 16 of my 20 books, I asked the clerk what else they needed me to do and he called up the manager who had just come on duty.

The dour one.

I held my breath, anxious that she'd tell me they were shipping the last four copies back to Ingram's tomorrow. She came over to the table and said, "Wow, you sold quite a bit."

"Well, all but these four," I replied. "So… what will happen to these?"

"We'll keep them on the shelves for at least a couple of weeks. If they don't sell, we'll send them back." She picked up the books. "You did really well, though. Some authors don't sell any."

I couldn't believe it. "How is that possible?"

"If they're not very personable and don't talk to people, they don't sell, even if they're fairly well known. But you did great."

And then… she smiled. She even laughed a little as she thanked me. We're buds now.

Lesson: Do your job, be pleasant, and you never know what rewards you may reap.

This Friday, I'm at Barnes & Noble in Fullerton. Wish me luck!

Proud Member of ALA!

I support fair and equitable library access to ebooks and so should you.