Nature or nurture? Or something else?

I try not to judge other parents. My son was such an easy keeper, it was almost like not parenting at all. I mean, how hard can it be to raise a sensible child? I have friends whose children were skilled at everything from eternal tantrums to willful disobedience. Honestly, I don't know how I would have handled them if they were mine.

I have a feeling it wouldn't have ended well for either of us.

In all cases, I can't imagine that either the parents or the children thought, gee, let's make life unbearable for everyone around me. I try to think that there are personalities that don't mesh, that Nature gives everyone a raw wound and Nurture rubs salt in it.

The reason I'm thinking about all this is that I was raised to be one kind of person and I turned out to be someone quite different. My mother wanted a little clone of herself. I was supposed to like the things she liked and do the things she did and believe in the things she believed in. This included liking to wear girlie clothes and be a Baptist and bypass college in order to get married and be a wife and mom. She was also, in my mind, the worst kind of racist because she didn't think she was racist. According to her, "black people can't help the way they are." (Insert any stereotype you'd like about the way they are.)

The thing is, I was no rebel. I wanted to please her. She and her mom had a close relationship and I wanted that, too. And yet, I couldn't. My brain, my body, my soul rejected it all.

I like to wear jeans and t-shirts. Yes, I have a tiara and I love it, but the love for bling does not necessarily translate to dresses and skirts. My own personal religious beliefs are, well, my own and strictly personal, but they are not the Baptist rules and regulations I grew up with. I worked and slaved and paid for my own college so I could have a career - in a field, by the way, that gives women an equal break for equal pay. Marriage and motherhood were not a goal I chased, but something that came along after I was already okay with not having them. And when it did come along, I married a black man because that's who I fell in love with.

So... why? I wanted to follow in my mom's footsteps. Why, when given the opportunity, did I refuse to listen to the constant Mom-voice in my ear and take my own path?

What did Nature plant in me that Nurture couldn't override?

I ask these questions because I find humans endlessly fascinating, and I probably could have gone into psychotherapy except that my engineering logic would be constantly looking for an in/out data port.

How about you? Did you end up following in your family's beliefs and values, or did you go your own way?

If...

I was watching the Oscars last night and wishing I could hang out with some of the cool kids on the show, like Bette Midler and Bill Murray, and it reminded me of this book I've had forever called "If... (Questions for the Game of Life)". It's a book of questions, designed to make people alone think about stuff and people in groups talk about stuff.

Samples: "What insect would you like to eradicate from the planet?"
                "What one sentence would you have said to Hitler before he died?"

Most writers don't need what if questions in order to write, but we need this kind of crap if we want to have conversations with people (not counting the ones in our heads).

So I started to think about that age-old question, "If you could have a dinner party with any 10 people, living or dead, who would you choose?"

First of all, I don't want to have dinner with dead people. It's creepy.

Second, I can only invite seven people because there are three people in my family and if I didn't invite them it wouldn't be as much fun. And I only have place settings for ten, so I can't invite ten people unless I sit in the middle of the table.

Actually, that sounds like fun... sitting in the middle of the table on a Lazy Susan so I can turn around and get involved in all the conversations.

So who would I invite?

Marcus and Dale, of course. Dale would soak it all up like a sponge. Marcus would jump into any conversation.

My best gal pal, Tameri Etherton, because she's up for any party, and might be able to keep me from freaking out. (P.S. I already figured out this would be catered, so I wouldn't have to worry about cooking.)

As far as the famous folks? I figure I'd like a nice balance, which would be three women, three men.

Bette Midler is the top of the list. I admire her to death and just know she could talk about subjects that are serious and funny and important and mundane and she'd have something to say no matter what.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson is next. He's so freakin' smart, yet such an accessible guy. I'd love to get lost listening to him and Marcus discuss some scientific notion.

Lady GaGa. Surprised? I am, too, but I was super-impressed with her when I saw her on So You Think You Can Dance. She's incredibly savvy about her craft AND marketing it. I'd love to just hear her story, and how she takes an idea and runs with it.

Ben Folds. I watch him on The Sing Off and I love the way he talks about music. He sounds like he could discuss other stuff, too.

Connie Schultz. Yeah, she's not a superstar, but she's so danged smart. I'd pretty much love to sit down over dinner, coffee, hell, a glass of water, and just talk.

Bill Murray - I'd like to have him at the party, but I confess this is the wild card, only because I want everyone to have fun at dinner and he might not be comfortable. If he declines, my next pick would be Michael Jordan. Because, well, who wouldn't want MJ at their dinner party? BTW my house would look VERY SMALL with him in it.

Did I make anyone think, hmm, who would I invite to my imaginary dinner party? Feel free to share!

Post-sixty worries

Last Friday I turned 60. It didn't feel any different than any other day of the week. I didn't feel older. Each day passes and I never feel older. I ride my horses and lift heavy things and climb up chairs to reach cabinet shelves and laugh and talk and don't feel the years accumulating.

Still, I have an increasing worry.

I recently went through a "thing" with a friend. They were a good friend, and then a few things happened to make me feel awkward and they felt offended and it went downhill from there. We managed to patch things up, in the following way:

1. Everytime I discussed my pain, I was told that my feelings were wrong (or nonexistent), and that this person hurt more.

2. Everytime they discussed their feelings, I tried very hard to acknowledge them without feeling like I was responsible for the way they felt. This is hard for me, since I think I'm supposed to make everyone feel good and be happy and like me.

We agreed to let go of the past, and I will, and I also accept that I'm not going to change this person and I can't be the boss of them.

Here's the thing: I've been noticing that this person has become more self-centered as they grow older and I'm frightened that I will become the same. Our conversations revolve around their news, their activities. They become increasingly irritated over things that don't go their way. I spend more and more time with them being less and less engaged.

There have been a couple of news articles about middle-age and narcissism. I can see how an older person might think, "My time here is winding down. I'm only here for a few more years. I deserve to move to the front of the line."

But I don't want to, at least to demand it. I explained this all to my husband, who said, "Everyone gets to be a cranky old person."

I don't want to be that person. I don't want to give the stink-eye to a young mother with a screaming child because I've forgotten what it's like to be that mom. I don't want to hear other people's woes as a competition to prove my aches and pains are worse than theirs. I don't want to lose my empathy, my humanity.

Can I ask for your help? If I start to become that person, will you tell me? From all indications, I may defend myself. I may fight you. You might have to be braver than you ever thought you could be. But trust me, I want to be saved.

I want my tombstone to say, "She was a real human being," not "She was a pissy old broad." Oh, and "She was really, really old" would be good.

Happy birthday to me!

Today's my birthday. It's not just any birthday. It's a milestone birthday (think 20, 30, 40, and beyond) AND it's my year on the Chinese calendar. I'm not Chinese, but I was born in the year of the Horse, and I'm going with that.

Of course, being such a momentous year, I plan to celebrate big and often. Tonight there will be a nice dinner with friends. Next week will be our monthly birthday celebration at the local watering hole. And further?

What I want to do is to give and get, for an entire year. So every time I do something nice for someone else, I'm going to reward myself with fun time with my friends. I'd like to be able to get together with people more often, and perhaps this will kick me into gear.

In the meantime, I'm offering FREEZER BURN for free this weekend. If you haven't tried it yet, here's a chance to check it out. http://www.amazon.com/Freezer-Burn-Peri-Minneopa-Mysteries-ebook/dp/B007ZHVDN4

Have a great day. I plan to.

A babbling brook of news

Too bad my name's not Brooke. That'd make it a really funny post title.

I'm still recovering from a fabulous weekend at the Southern California Writer's Conference. I spent three days discussing writing and marketing with fun and earnest people from all over. After each day's hard work, I sat at the makeshift bar of the Crowne Plaza Hanalei on San Diego's Hotel Circle, nursing a glass of wine and laughing my tushie off at the antics of the same fun and earnest people.

There's more to the debrief, but my eyes, to quote my grandmother, feel like "two pee-holes in a snowbank" and I can't quite make the right words come out of my brain.

In the meantime, the interview I did with Julie Preble of Horse and Rider Magazine is up and at 'em. If you want a chance to win Snoopy's book, go here. There's also a Q and A video of me on YouTube. Check it out.



I'll be back tomorrow or Thursday to report more. After I've slept.