Happy Hanukkah

I am not Jewish, so I always have to look the word up, mostly because I am intrigued by the other spelling, Chanukah, and between the two I can't figure out how many Ns, Ks, or Hs there are. I suppose I should just wish all my Jewish friends a Happy Festival of Lights.

With Thanksgiving so late and Hanukkah so early, the whole holiday season seems to be askew, but I've promised myself to not stress about it, so this is me not stressing.

This is where I'd post a video. I know you're all expecting me to post Adam Sandler's Hanukkah Song, but I was feeling a little more informational today. For my non-Jewish friends (and to remind myself), here is a short and rather delightful explanation of the holiday.



I suppose I should apologize to my Jewish friends if I try to make a huge deal out of it. I realize it's not one of the major holidays, like Christmas is for us. I'm just always excited about any celebration that involves presents, lights, and blessings.

Enjoy, and shalom.

Giving back: Deadly Little Secrets

I met Marla Miller years ago at my first Southern California Writers Conference. She has helped me and who-knows-how-many other writers hone our craft with her workshops. As a result of her teaching, I've build a better blurb, tightened my pitches, and learned what to leave in and what to rip out of a query letter.

Blurbs, queries, pitches - did she help me with my novels? You bet. Every piece of editing wisdom applied to one of those three items helped me tighten my writing all around. Through Marla, I learned what is essential, and sometimes I learned what I was even writing about.

Today Marla has released a novel of her own. I was lucky enough to read an early copy and it grabbed me from the start. It's set in the early days of AIDS, as one small-town nurse tries to educate the public and they try to resist.

Here's where to buy it - http://www.amazon.com/Deadly-Little-Secrets-Marla-Miller-ebook/dp/B00GW6SXI2

I'm thrilled for Marla and hope her book climbs the charts.

Giving it all away: WIN THE SPAMMY!

I tried giving away some promotional items earlier, with a contest to see who could tell the most interesting story about what they had done for a friend. A few people told some wonderful stories, but they were so poignant I thought I might weep. I confess, I was really looking for stories of bailing each other out of a Mexican jail or lying to all the parents in order to hitch a ride to Woodstock.

So now I'm going to get more specific - this is a contest about spam.

No, not that Spam.

I don't know about you, but I get spam mail ALL the time. As in, sometimes over 200 messages a day. On the same day, I will get offers to increase my boob size and my masculine virility, along with great rates on new cars and discount prescriptions. Sometimes I get spam-mails from gaylecarline with what appears to be a string of Chinese characters in the subject line.

Don't you hate it when you start sleep-emailing in a foreign language?

My favorite spam-mail arrived last week. The subject line said, "gaylecarline, Be the Man You Used to Be."

Perhaps it was the time I was accidentally enrolled in Boys' P.E. in high school. Or maybe it has to do with visiting my great-grandfather in the nursing home once. "Dad", my grandmother said, "You remember Gayle, don't you?" Great-Grandpa looked up through his very hardened arteries and said, "Yep, he's gonna grow up to be a fine man some day."

It's hard to take offense to a little spam-err.

So I'm introducing the SPAMMY Awards, for the best, funniest, most creative spam emails you've ever received.**

RULES:

1. Only one entry per person.
2. You may submit entries in any way that reaches me: the comments below, Facebook, Twitter, Google+, email, or semaphore (BTW, I'm not good at semaphore so your message may be misinterpreted).
3. The spam mail submitted should be a legitimate one, but how am I to check for this? Basically I can't, so if you can come up with something that blows my socks off, well... oh, well.

PRIZES:

I will award multiple prizes, from free books (paperback or Kindle), to promotional items, to gift cards. In addition, I have twenty-four (24) free copies of my Audio book of Freezer Burn to give away. Perhaps I could even give away some Spam.

Go ahead and advertise this. Tell your friends and neighbors. Everyone who enters should win something. The best ones will just win more stuff.

So go ahead - what's your favorite spam email?

**Please do not assume I want you to OPEN the spam-mails. DON'T OPEN THEM! I'm just looking for funny subject lines.

I did my best

I love my pal Alicia Bien. She's funny and smart, and even if she wasn't, she has a big, kind heart and I'm just a sucker for that. Although she mostly writes scripts, she recently wrote a book, The Evolution of a Wine Drinker, that I bought and read and adore. It's a great collection of essays about her journey toward being an oenophile. They're all really informative and fun and funny, because she's the nice, adventurous kind of wine connoisseur, not the snobby I-Don't-Drink-California-Wines kind.

Recently, she's put a couple of recipes on her blog (New House Girl), recipes that look so delish and so simple, even I might be able to cook them. And I'm the woman who knows how to ruin a recipe in a thousand different and unique ways.

I was at the store tonight with the following grocery list: dog food, kitty litter, Excedrin, and dinner. I looked up and down several aisles but could not find a box, bag, or can marked "dinner" so I had to punt. What could I toss together in a short time?

Wait - what was that chicken and rice recipe that Alicia made? I remembered the ingredients (or thought I did) and made a quick run through the store, gathering what I didn't have at home. When I did get home, well... here's how it went down.

Alicia says:

INGREDIENTS: feeds 5

Rice; 2 dry cups (plain, not Jasmine or any other flavored rice)

Water; 4 wet/fluid cups for the rice (American measurements are so confusing) 

Chicken legs; 10 (they cook faster than chicken breasts and aren't too large so guests can eat one or two without feeling piggy. Or maybe I'm talking about me feeling piggy?) 

Soup stock; 2 cubes (Use to flavor the rice. I use the low salt or sea salt stock varieties)

Bread crumbs; 1/2 cup (In advance, I grate hardened rice flour bread or rye flour bread and store the crumbs for just this type of impromptu dinner. Plus I like knowing all the spices used in the bread crumbs--in this case zero)

Onions; 2 diced 

Celery; 6 stalks diced
Carrots; 5 peeled and diced

Ground coriander; 2 teaspoons

Cumin; 2 teaspoons

Saffron; 1/2 teaspoon. (This will color the rice yellow and is purely used for cosmetic purposes and therefore not necessary since Saffron is expen$ive)

Salt; a couple shakes.

Parsley; chopped (I like the curly variety)

Red wine; 3/4 cup for the pot. The rest for you and your guests. 

 

Gayle did:

I remembered the chicken, onions, celery and carrots. At home, I knew I had rice, bread crumbs, salt, and red wine. The rest ran through my brain like water through a sieve.

 

Alicia says:

 

DIRECTIONS:

1) Bring a pot of the water to boil on the stove top with the soup stock cubes and saffron. Once water boils, add rice. Bring rice to a boil then turn to simmer. 

2) Heat olive oil in Dutch oven over medium high heat. 

3) Open a bottle of red wine and pour yourself a glass.

4) Pour bread crumbs into mixing bowl and coat drumsticks. Put drumsticks into Dutch oven. Chicken needs time to cook, but once both sides of drumsticks are browned, add salt, onions, carrots, celery, coriander and cumin. Cover.

5) Add wine. Cover. The moisture will help imbue the chicken with these flavors and help cook it. 

6) When the meat is falling off the bone, dish into shallow bowls, garnish with fresh parsley, stir rice and dish up.

7) Serve. Voila!

 

Gayle did:

 

1. We have a rice cooker and I wanted brown rice and I forgot the stock cubes and the saffron was optional anyway, so sue me.

 

2. Check. Olive oil heated.

 

3. I actually did this step first. Check.

 

4. I opened the package of drumsticks and saw there was only five, not six. Did I need to reduce everything by 16%? Punting, I coated them with bread crumbs and browned them in the Dutch oven, then added the onions, celery, and carrots.

 

Um... here's the thing... I dismantled my spice cabinet and could not find cumin. I did find coriander seeds, but they were from a spice rack I got for my first marriage in the 70s. Is there an expiration date on spice?

 

Again, Gayle the Punter to the rescue, I thought about the glass of wine I poured in step 0. It was a Barbera, and a damn fine one. Hmm, I says to myself, if I use the Barbera* to cook the chicken, and Barbera is an Italian grape, why don't I substitute Italian seasoning?

 

*I know what you're thinking: that chick is wasting perfectly good wine to cook? Because I subscribe to the philosophy that once the alcohol has been burned away, what's left should be deliciousness, not cheap-bitter-fakery.

 

5. Wine added, to the pot and my glass. Check.

 

6. It took about 40 minutes for the meat to fall of the bone. I didn't have parsley, but here's how mine turned out -

 

 

7. Voila indeed.

 

So maybe I took a few liberties with Alicia's recipe, but it was easy and completely delicious, even with the substitutions.

 

Thank you, Alicia! If you write a cookbook, I'm in!

P.S. BeeTeeDubs, Alicia is having a book signing next Tuesday, November 19, at the V Wine Room, 903 Westbourne Drive, West Hollywood, from 7:30 to 9:30. I have to work in Chino Hills until 5:00, but I plan to schlep my horsey self to WeHo just to pick up SEVERAL autographed copies of her book!
 

 

Happy Tuesday!

I'm a little too rushed to give you much of a post today, as I must dash in a million directions until late into the eve. I don't even have time to scamper. But I didn't want to leave up the last post and lead you all astray, thinking you had one more day to get a discounted copy of THE HOT MESS. Sorry, folks, the offer's done, and I'll tell you all about it later in the week.

Instead, I thought I'd give you the inspiration for the name of my publishing company, Dancing Corgi Press.



Duffy (my Corgi) does do a little dance at breakfast, although it's mostly a bunch of circles, interrupted by a few impatient taps of the front feet. I'd record it, but seriously, who is THAT awake at 7 a.m.?

BeeTeeDubs, yes, Dancing Corgi Press has only one author. She's a real witch and I am simply too exhausted to take on any others.