And I have a lot of info in my gray matter. I can't help but remember stupid bits of flotsam and jetsam that are only useful on a game show. It's possible, if I don't open my mouth and share some of this trivia, my brain cells might overload and shut all my circuits down, so I open my mouth often to let some of the data escape.
We wouldn't want my brain to implode, would we?
One area where I do not venture with advice is romance. Honestly, I don't know how people get together, why they stay together, and especially, why they "part amicably." If you're not throwing the good china at your soon-to-be ex-partner, why are you breaking up?
I just saw a commercial for one of those dating services (okay, I'll be brave – it was eHarmony), where one of the men looks into the camera and says, "The questionnaire really takes the work out of finding someone."
Work? You mean, the work involved in talking to people, making friends with them, finding out if you have anything in common, falling in love? Listen, Buddy, I got a shocker for you: if you think dating is work, you are in no shape for marriage.
I have a great marriage; we have complimentary personalities, we treat our partnership as a team, and we treat each other with respect. That being said, we still work at not running over each other in the driveway because he won't put his socks in the hamper and I find excuses for not wanting to go to the Dodgers game.
It's a good thing I write a humor column and not an advice column. Otherwise, I'd be telling people things like this:
Dear Miss Taken,
My girlfriend just dumped me for the second time. I'm miserable. The first time she broke up with me, I was sad and weepy and sat around, strumming my guitar and singing EMO songs. This time, I'm just mad and want to hit people with my guitar. Is this normal?
Sad, Mad & Feeling Had
* * * * * *
No, it's not normal. Why were you expecting normal from a relationship? There's nothing normal about them. They rip out your heart, rub salt in the wound and feed it back to you with sour milk. You want normal? Join a monastery. Oh, and leave that girl alone. Being dumped twice should have taught you something, or you're also the biggest moron on the planet.
As you can see, my advice to the lovelorn could result in the end of marriage, the annihilation of the planet, and would really mess up my comfy chair.
How about you? Do you like to give advice, or take it?