"The notion that such persons are gay of heart and carefree is curiously untrue. They lead, as a matter of fact, an existence of jumpiness and apprehension. They sit on the edge of the chair of Literature. In the house of Life they have the feeling that they have never taken off their overcoats."
- James Thurber, My Life and Hard Times

Monday, March 6, 2017

Let your mind alone!

The title of this year's Beauty of a Woman Blogfest entry is taken from a book of the same name by James Thurber. He is a humorist, whom I admire for about a billion reasons, and it is his quote that I use as the name of my blog. If your sense of humor is like mine, look him up. 

This post is part of the Beauty of a Woman BlogFest VI! To read more entries, and potentially win a fun prize, visit the fest page on August’s McLaughlin’s site between today and 11pm PST March 11th.
As always, I want to thank August for the opportunity to contribute to her tour, and do encourage you to read the other entries!


I'm also using this little movie clip, from Desk Set, with Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy:



The reason for this is to show you all that, in anything I write, I associate many things with many things, and I cannot let my mind alone.

I was in the shower one morning and said, "There are not enough girl pirates in books." I quickly decided to write a little riff on The Count of Monte Cristo, using a girl protagonist, and having her become a pirate in order to exact her revenge.

But then my mind began to wander.

Women can be badass...or can they? We can seek adventure, be rough-and-tumble gals, thirst for excitement. We can laugh at death, just like men. Unlike men, however, we have one more primal fear: rape. 

Yes, I know. Men are raped. Unless thousands of you guys tell me differently, however, I'm going to assume you don't walk down dark alleys fearing you'll be raped. Mugged, yes. Murdered, sure. 

But it's us, the females, who have that small muscle in our gut that's always strung tight. It's that fear, That Fear, that keeps us from walking down the dark alley. We may be more afraid of being sexually assaulted than of being chopped into pieces. 

My heroine, Lisette, is sold as a virgin to the pirate Rocco. I wanted her to be a bold, stubborn noblewoman, in a very fictional version of the 16th-century Caribbean. How do I handle THAT FEAR, and make her run toward danger, or at least stroll confidently in its direction?

I began by dismantling my own beliefs, my own fears, my own hangups about a woman's body, about virginity, and about how important physical touch is, in terms of utilizing all of our senses.

Once she is kidnapped, Lisette starts to question her virginity. Why is this such a sacred thing? No one waits for that special moment to say their first word, take their first step, eat their first solid food. You're ready to do it, so you just start. Why is that part of our real estate such hallowed ground, that we protect it and wait for The Right Someone (and in ye olde days, showed the stained sheets as proof on our wedding night)?

She begins to wish she was not a virgin anymore. In her words, "Just get it over with." Unfortunately, Rocco has some secrets of his own. Taking her as a lover is not exactly on his to-do list, at least not that he freely admits.

It doesn't stop her from exploring her sexuality. As she matures, she wonders why sensuality is such forbidden fruit. At one point, she asks, is it such a sin, to crave a man's touch more than, say, to enjoy a delicious meal or hear a pleasant tune?

Even as she questions what she's been taught, and rejects most of what she's learned, she still manages to experience sex on her own terms. As with many stories, she falls in love, it's complicated, and I expect it will have a happy ending--eventually. Did I mention my little riff grew up to be a trilogy?

Perhaps I let her off easy. The story is strewn with the bodies of men who try to rape her and fail. Perhaps I should have let one succeed. It is the reality for many women. As the writer, I would get to examine what kind of steel Lisette has in her backbone if she does not win one of these fights.

But this is a fantasy. My excuse is that I want her to be strong and smart and independent, and fight for what she believes, and win. I want her to embody that warrior in each of us. And a piece of me wants to open that introspective door in other women's minds--what do you really think about touch and sex and your body?

She's a pirate, yes, but in a way, she's also a superhero. All because I can't let my mind alone.

PS. I have completed the first book of the trilogy, a historical fantasy. Or perhaps it's a hysterical one--time will tell. It's currently in that state of Artistic Limbo: in the editor's hands, trying to be a book, while the Author and Editor decide whether to query an agent, look at small presses, self-pub, or toss the whole thing in the nearest bonfire. Wish me luck. Better yet, wish me the strength of a girl pirate.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Feed your head

I've begun starting my day differently for the past couple of weeks. Instead of being forced from my bed by the dogs sometime between 6 and 6:30, stumbling crankily to the kitchen to let them out and feed them, then going back to sleep on the daybed in the office, I've changed things up.

Now I do about 40 minutes of meditation and yoga instead of going back to sleep in the daybed. It dawned on me that my little gray cells, as Poirot called them, are not just a little cluster of creative thoughts and ideas. My brain is a physical entity, an organ, like my lungs and my appendix. (Some days, especially like my appendix--it takes up space in my body and no one knows what it does.) It needs blood flow, just like everything else in my body. 

They say it takes 21 days of repetition to make something a habit, but after only 10 days, I discovered I really can't get through my day without it. I felt immediate results the first day, in my energy level, and my mental clarity.

When I announced this on social media, one of my friends said, "How do you make yourself concentrate? My mind tends not only to wander, but to sprint here and there." 

Here's the thing: At no point did I say I was good at meditating. I just said I did it. Only about 8-10 minutes a day, but I do my best. My mind is like a 4-year-old who is supposed to stay in line with Mom at the store, except there are interesting shiny things and candy over in the displays. She keeps wandering away, and I keep taking her hand and leading her back into line. I work every day at making her stay longer, but I don't know if I'll ever be 100% successful.




I've tried different approaches. First, I tried staring at a fixed point. I have a turquoise bin at eye level that is a perfect blank canvas, but my eyes catch glimpses of the books on the shelves next to it, and I feel ironic when I am trying to claim my inner peace and calm with "Forensics for Dummies" staring back at me.

Then I tried a mantra. I couldn't use a phrase. Phrases are words, which make me think of other words, which make me chatty. I started with the standard "Om" instead. My morning voice is lower than my regular tone, so the "Om" was rather husky. This reminded me of foghorns and ships coming into port and noir movies about ne'er-do-wells trying for their big break.

I gave up on the mantra.

What works best, so far, is to close my eyes, take three large breaths, then focus on the air coming into my nose, then out of my mouth, then in, then out, then repeat. My 4-year-old still wanders, looking at my schedule for the day, remembering something that happened yesterday, trying to remind me to look up the definition of some word, what kundalini yoga entails, sikhism, etc. I continue to take her by the hand and lead her back to my breath. 

After 8-10 minutes, I put on some yoga music I found on Amazon, and stretch everything out. I do whatever feels good in the moment, but there are a few poses I always hit:

1. Downward Dog--one way to get the blood flowing to your head is to be upside down.
2. Warrior--it's a nice stretch and I like the pose's name. Makes me feel invincible.
3. Sun salutations--greet the day, why not? Hello, morning! Again, another chance for my head to be upside down in a forward fold.
4. Tree pose--Balance is important to me, and it surprised me, when I began working with my personal trainer, how much of it I had lost. I don't want to fall, especially as I grow older.

Then I spend about 5 minutes on some little journal entries to give a shape and intention to my day, and voila! My brain has been nudged into consciousness. 

(No need for the pill to make me larger...BTW, what's that little blob laying on the bass?)





What are your rituals for beginning your day?

Friday, February 3, 2017

Guardians of honesty come in all kinds

I know it's been forever since I've posted. I still adore you all, I'm just rushing down that deadline road, and I don't seem to have any brakes. It's hard to be focused on one manuscript's editing, another manuscript's genesis, and have to stop to write a column. Blog? I need more words for the blog?

So I'm pausing briefly to show you two characters in my office. I was going to give these away (I still might), along with the several (50, maybe?) other stuffed critters in my closet, but I decided I would hang on to these fellas for a little bit longer.




I assume you know Jiminy Cricket. I like him because he reminds me to let my conscience be my guide. But who's his friend on the left?





Eugene the Jeep, from Popeye. When I used to watch the old Popeye cartoons, Eugene was in a few, and always causing chaos. I thought he was the perfect yin to Jiminy's yang. Then I read up on Eugene the Jeep. Here's what Professor Brainstine told Popeye in a 1936 comic strip:

"A Jeep is an animal living in a three dimensional world—in this case our world—but really belonging to a fourth dimensional world. Here's what happened. A number of Jeep life cells were somehow forced through the dimensional barrier into our world. They combined at a favorable time with free life cells of the African Hooey Hound. The electrical vibrations of the Hooey Hound cell and the foreign cell were the same. They were kindred cells. In fact, all things are, to some extent, relative, whether they be of this or some other world, now you see. The extremely favorable conditions of germination in Africa caused a fusion of these life cells. So the uniting of kindred cells caused a transmutation. The result, a mysterious strange animal."


Here's what you need to know about him: 1) He can teleport; and 2) He always tells the truth. The chaos he leaves in his wake is because he's always disappearing and reappearing in places, and he cannot lie, not even to save his friends.



So now I have two little guardian plushies, one to tell me to always be good and honest, and the other to remind me that you can be impish with it. A perfect pair.

Do you have any guardian cartoon characters?

Friday, December 16, 2016

From Our House to Yours.


My writing career actually began with Christmas letters. The first one was such a success with our friends and family that I kept doing it. (BTW, the secret to a good Christmas letter is to keep it one page or less. People appreciate brevity.)

At one point, when I was completely on the fence about trying to write for publication, my hubby's cousin Amanda said to me, "I look forward to your Christmas letters. You are writing other things, aren't you?" She is now deceased, but I thank her lovely spirit every now and then for encouraging me to sit my tush in the chair and get serious.

The Christmas letter now includes a Christmas photo, which is not as easy as it sounds. We all go to the ranch, to take a group photo with two horses and two dogs. We used to bring the cat, may she rest in peace. She hated it, and wouldn't come near me for days after the experience.


Marcus is the only one capable of smiling through the entire session.

We try really hard to face the camera and keep smiling while we wrangle the animals. We are not always successful.


Frostie really likes to sniff the dogs.

The dogs tend to get bored with the whole thing.

My job is to keep Snoopy from biting me.


Finally, with a little help from PhotoShop, we get something we can use.






And here is the letter:


WHAT A CHRISTMAS! HO, HO, WHAT A CHRISTMAS!


These are the last lines spoken by a famous actor in a much-loved but not crazily-famous Christmas movie of yore. (Made in 1945 and 10 points to the person who can name the movie.)

This year has been a rollercoaster, both for the Carlines and the world. You can read about the world in the newspapers. As for the Carlines…

Marcus is busy doing what musicians do: chasing the money, piecing together small gigs to try to make one living wage. Currently, he’s performing in two groups, an a cappella group that sings in Downtown Disney and a nonprofit choral group that performs and teaches in local schools. He’s also working a shift here and there at Cal State Long Beach. In October, he moved back home, to save money and commute time. He helps me around the house, so I’m happy to have him here.

Dale is still one busy retiree. He spent a couple of weeks at Angels’ spring training in Arizona, where he got to volunteer to work (ushering, parking, etc), went to Massachusetts for his friend’s golf tournament, and schlepped along with me to a few of my events. When he wasn’t on the road, he was coaching the Placentia Youth League basketball teams. They’re giving him two teams now, and he enjoys helping the community. He also golfs a little, from time to time (I’m trying to find a sarcasm font here).

This year, I did something special for my 11th book release. It’s my 4th mystery set in Placentia, so I had a huge party at my favorite local restaurant, hired Marcus and a combo to perform, and made certain everyone got food, drinks, a book, and some nice swag. It was a blast! In my horsey world, I went to a few shows with Snoopy this year, most notably a huge regional show in Las Vegas. Dale went along with me, and we had a great time. Dale also joined me for a few days in New Orleans at a mystery lover’s convention.

Our family went to the mountains, as usual. This year’s trip was particularly bittersweet. In April, we lost our dear friend and fellow vacationer, Alyssa Barnes, to cancer. She was Marcus’ age, so it hit about as hard as you can imagine. I’m glad we were able to attend her memorial in Sacramento.

In 2015, we replaced most of the flooring in the house, which now looks nice, but took almost until Christmas to install, leaving me with a bleak holiday. This year, we got a new TV and furniture for the family room, both things that took mere moments to install. So even if the world around me is losing its mind, I have great hope this year for Christmas lights and mistletoe, and evenings spent in front of the fire with a nice glass of something good.

I heard a pastor recently, speaking about hope at an event. After pointing out what we can’t control, he gave us three suggestions: rejoice always, pray incessantly, and be thankful in everything. So no matter how I work to effect change, I will always be both joyful and thankful. And prayer never hurt anybody.

Wishing you all a Loving Christmas, and a Kind New Year.

The Carlines

No matter what you celebrate, or if you celebrate at all, we wish you happiness, peace, and prosperity for this and future years.


Sunday, December 4, 2016

Holidays with Norman, Redux

This little story started life as a column describing my own family's trip to get a tree. I liked the concept, so I fictionalized it, toyed with it, juggled it, stretched it, yadda-yadda. Now, due to my sudden allergies, we've had to abandon the live pine tree and get an artificial tree. 

All that's left is this story. Enjoy.

**************************************

     Norman Rockwell is visiting again. I never get any notice, not that I need one. He always arrives on the first Sunday in December. I sit down in front of my mirror to put on my makeup, and there he is, peeking around my shoulder.
     He looks a lot like he did in that famous portrait, holding his pipe firmly in his down-turned mouth, the glare from his glasses hiding his eyes. His neck looks more like chicken skin every year, although I don’t know why.
     After all, he’s just a hallucination. He shouldn’t age, should he?
     “Time to get the Christmas tree, Abby,” he tells me.
     Yes, Mr. Rockwell.
     “Oughta be fun,” he says. “Oughta be quite an adventure.”
     Oh, yeah, Mr. Rockwell, it’s quite the holiday escapade.
     Every year I have the same fantasy about getting the Christmas tree. I see my husband, Keith and our son, Jake, ahead of me, walking through the Choose-And-Cut lot, pointing to trees and smiling. There’s a dusting of snow on the ground, and we’re in our down jackets, bright scarves around our necks to keep the wind from whipping down our shirts.
     Keith turns back to me and smiles. “Jake thinks this one looks like his teacher.”
     I look at the small, wide evergreen and laugh.
     Later, after we’ve put the tree in our living room, I make popcorn and hot cocoa while Keith and Jake get the ornaments out of their boxes. We spend the evening putting up lights, and hanging stars. Christmas music is playing, and we are filling the room with joyous conversation, talking about nothing in particular.
     That’s the fantasy, the dream that Norman Rockwell always comes to feed.
     “It’ll be just like one of my paintings,” he says.
     “Just like,” I tell him. “Except that it doesn’t snow in southern California, we won’t need jackets and scarves in seventy degree weather, and – oh, yeah – Keith and Jake don’t look like any of the people in your paintings.”
     I stop feathering the light brown pencil across my blonde eyebrow and look at the photo propped against the mirror. Keith and Jake are in the scene, holding strings of catfish, smiling.
Keith’s skin is as dark as Hershey’s kisses, his full lips and broad nose identifying his African roots. His body is compact and muscular, his arms strong and sinewy.
     “Did you even paint any black people, Mr. Rockwell?” I ask the ghost still peering over my shoulder.
      He seems offended. “Of course I did, young lady. There was that little girl on her way to school.”
     “Oh, yeah, the one about desegregation.”
     “And how about the little kids and the moving van?”
     I look down and rub the black mascara wand into my pale eyelashes. “The black family moving into the all white neighborhood, right?”
     “And the little boy in the dining car?”
     “Oh, for Pete’s sake, Norman, the black guy was a waiter. You never painted pictures of black people just being people, having families, going to the doctor. For that matter, you never painted Hispanics or Asians or anyone of color, except that ‘We are the World’ piece you did-what was it called?”
     “You mean The Golden Rule.” He shrugs, but his expression remains the same. “That was my world.”
     I put my makeup back in the drawer and stand up, shaking the specter away. “Your world was so white, it was practically clear.”
     I look at the photo once more. If Norman Rockwell would not have painted Keith catching fish, he most certainly would not have painted our son, Jake.
     Jake is the color of latte, with his father’s broad nose and mahogany eyes, and my slender lips. His hair is not as wiry as Keith’s, but my natural wave has contributed to its tight curls. At fifteen, he is whippet-thin, with lean muscles and an expanding ribcage from running cross country five days a week.
     I check myself in the mirror. My red t-shirt needs to be tugged down over the top of my jeans. The color brings out the ruddiness of my Celtic skin, so I brush at my cheeks, wiping off some of the blusher I had applied. The scent of white ginger lotion engulfs me, and I wonder if I should switch to something warmer for the holidays, something spicier.
    Keith is in the family room, watching a football game. He sits forward on the chair, his shoes on the floor in front of him.
     “I’m ready whenever you are,” I say.
     He nods, engrossed in the play. My husband loves to watch sports; I love to watch him.
     I wander down the hall to Jake’s room. He is dressed in his holiday finery: a black AC/DC t-shirt and threadbare corduroy pants that I am not allowed to toss out. His room, however, looks like it has been tossed. Clean and dirty clothes mingle on the floor, along with video games, old homework papers, and the extra large drink he got at Carl’s Jr. last night. The room has that unmistakable smell of boy/man, musk and body odor and old socks.
     Jake looks up from his place on the floor, sprawled out, playing a nondescript riff on his guitar.
     “Get your shoes on,” I tell him. “Dad’s almost ready to go.”
     The truth is, I don’t know whether he’s ready to go or not. When Keith watches a sporting event, he is consumed by it. He does not make us stay home until it is over, but he will not leave the TV until some crucial play has been performed.
     I never know what that play is.
     My husband’s casual manner of getting from the house to the car vexes me, no matter where we are going. I cannot learn his rhythm. When he goes out to the garage, I follow and get into the car, thinking that we are on our way. We are not. Keith will have at least two more trips into the house to get something he forgot, then stop at the refrigerator to pick up a cold soda for the road.
     I’ll be waiting in the car, trying to keep my hands from reaching up and yanking my hair out by the roots.
     Today, I go out and open the garage door, then putter around, trying to waste time. Jake comes out just as I’ve found the coupon for five dollars off a Christmas tree. About ten minutes after that, Keith shows up. He immediately goes back in for his Angels baseball cap, comes out and looks for the tarp to place on the car roof so the tree doesn’t scratch the paint, opens the car door, shuts the car door, goes to the refrigerator and removes a bottle of water, opens the car door one more time, and finally gets in.
     We’re ready.
     “Where are we going?” he asks as he backs the car out of the garage.
     “Well, we can go around the corner to the Fantasyland lot, or down the street they have one of those Uncle Ernie Tree lots, or there’s the Pincher Choose and Cut.”
     Keith stops the car in the driveway and looks at me. “Where are we going?”
     I must make the decision. “I have a coupon for Pincher’s. Let’s go there.”
     It’s hard to keep a live tree from becoming a fireman’s nightmare in southern California. An artificial tree would be so much safer and easier, but I love the fresh smell of pine, and the feeling of energy that a live tree gives a room. Going to a “choose and cut” tree lot at least ensures that our tree is completely fresh, and hasn’t been sitting, waterless, at various truck stops on its way from Oregon.
     Our tires crunch along the gravel path as Keith winds the car up the hill and into a parking spot. There are rows of Monterey pines here, all tenderly nurtured and shaped into cones, canvases upon which glass ornaments and tinsel will be displayed. Young boys in oversized t-shirts and baggy jeans wait by the wooden stand to the right, saws by their sides. The stand sells fruit and vegetables in the summer, pumpkins for Halloween, and trees for Christmas. The owners have decorated it for the holiday, hiding the painted pictures of tomatoes and corn with garland.
     I want to leap from the car and scamper to the trees, but I restrain myself. That is not my family’s speed. I get out slowly and stretch as if we’ve traveled for an hour instead of ten minutes. Slowly, casually, my husband and son emerge and stand by me. They wait for my lead.
     I gesture to the right. “Looks like there are some nice trees up there.”
     We begin to walk into the forest.
     It is sunny, but not hot, and the breeze coming through the evergreens makes it almost Christmas-y. The smell of the trees is rich here. My fantasy returns, briefly, until I see the gap between my family members. Head down, Keith is trudging up the hill. Jake is wandering aimlessly, looking at nothing, his ears stuffed with music from his iPod.
     I stop at a tree, and gauge its height and heft. It seems to be about seven feet tall, well-rounded and full, except for one side, which is sparse. We place our tree in a corner of the living room, so this is not a problem; no one will see the ugly side.
     “How about this one?” I ask my crew.
     “It’s fine,” Keith replies. “Let’s get it.”
     I need a consensus. “Jake, what do you think?”
     For a fifteen-year old boy who has opinions on everything from my cooking to world politics, he is strangely noncommittal. “S’okay,” he says with a shrug.
     Not quite satisfied, I walk on and stop at another tree, slightly taller and fuller.“What about this?”
     My two lovely men give me the same answers. We do this for two more trees. At the last tree, I look up and see Mr. Rockwell again, peeking from around the evergreens.
     “Isn’t this fun?” he asks.
     If he wasn’t a hallucination, I’d throw something at him. Yeah, Norman, it’s swell.
     “Let’s get this one,” I say.
     Keith nods and Jake shrugs, indicating a quorum.
     I tear off the bottom half of the tag and tell them, “We need to go get the little lumberjack.”
     They both stand and look at me.
     I guess “we” means me, so I turn and walk toward the stand. A scruffy young man leans against the counter, joking with the young Hispanic girl as she collects money from a couple. He is in typical tree-cutter garb: a short-sleeved t-shirt over a long-sleeved t-shirt, jeans, and boots that Frankenstein might have worn, all faded, all well-worn.
     Handing him the tag, I gesture up the hill, and see Keith walking down toward the car. The next ten minutes are spent carpeting the roof of the SUV with the tarp and securing the tree onto the car with twine.
     Every time I see a Christmas tree on a car I am reminded of the time my brother and I took my ’67 Mustang to get the family tree. It was a particularly cold winter in Illinois, where we lived, so cold that when you breathed in, the hairs in your nose stuck together. We couldn’t get the tree in the car trunk, so we put it in the backseat, opening the windows so both ends could stick out.
     We never even thought of tying it to the roof.
     Keith pulls into our driveway and the real fun begins--getting the tree onto the stand, and into the house. Everyone has their assigned tasks. I move the rocking chair from the corner, and place a large trash bag on the carpet, then a towel, then a sheet, in the vain hopes of keeping the carpet dry. Keith removes the tree from the roof and brings it to the front porch, where he cleans the lowest limbs away. I join him, to hold the tree while he tightens the stand around the trunk.
    “Hmph t llm,” he tells me.
     At least, that’s what it sounds like.
     “What?”
     Translation: Get a microphone.
     “Hold. It. To. The. Left.”
     Translation: Get a hearing aid.
     We get it into the stand, then I open the front doors and Keith carries it to the corner. He maneuvers it a little more, making certain that it’s straight, while I get the fishing line.
     One December morning, when Jake was a toddler and Keith was away on business, the tree fell over. Instead of getting ready for work, I spent half an hour putting the tree upright and cleaning the glass shards from the carpet. Ever since then, we’ve tied the tree to a nail in the wall, using fishing line. It may not be attractive, but I’ll bet OSHA approves.
     Jake’s job used to be to stay out of our way while we got the tree positioned. Now, his task is to stand in the driveway, waiting for his dad to give him permission to drive the car into the garage. At fifteen, this is his weekly thrill. I watch Keith walk from the porch, give Jake a serious look, and then smile as he tosses the keys. Our son leaps into the car and roars the engine to life, then creeps into the garage, attempting to place the SUV in the perfect space between the shelves and my minivan. He backs up and retries this two or three times, either because he’s a perfectionist or because he wants the extra driving time.
     Keith retires to his football game, a bag of tortilla chips and salsa with him. His work is done.
It’s now tree trimming time, so I begin my ritual. First, I select a bottle of wine, a deep cabernet. I open the hutch and remove a wine glass. Norman is staring back at me.
     “Hot chocolate?” he asks.
     “More like hot toddy,” I tell him.
     I see him frown a little, and wonder if the artist was a teetotaler.
     “Don’t worry, Mr. Rockwell, I can drink and decorate.”
     Jake’s voice startles me. “Who are you talking to, Mom?”
     “Just myself, honey. Want to help me hang ornaments on the tree?”
     He scowls a little. “Not really.”
     I pour a glass of deep red elixir as my son wanders out of the room. Soon I hear his guitar wailing softly. I plug a Christmas CD in the stereo and turn it on. Eartha Kitt purrs to her Santa Baby while I get to work.
     The ornaments are still in their boxes. I take them out, one by one and set them on the dining room table. After they are all out, I begin. There is a process, a rhythm, that must be followed.
     I pick up a small, muslin mitten, grey with age, its edges cut with pinking shears. There is a green tree outline painted on one side and my name painted on the other. This ornament was made for me when I was six, by Mrs. Miller. Pete Miller was my boyfriend in 1st grade. I look at my name and remember Pete’s mom. She was a great cook, but not highly educated; the “y” in “Abby” is backwards.
     The first ornament I owned must be the first one on the tree. Then the first ornament Keith and I bought together, then Jake’s first baby ornament. After that, the ornaments from friends and family who have passed, and then those who are still with us, and so on.
     Norman reappears as I hang a handmade porcelain angel in the upper branches.
     “This isn’t right,” he says. “Where’s the family? Where’s the popcorn?”
     It’s okay, Mr. Rockwell, tree trimming is just not my family’s thing.
     I am about halfway through it all, the wine and the trimming, when Jake comes back into the room.
     “Need help, Mom?”
     “Sure. Grab an ornament and find a limb.”
     When he was younger, all my son wanted to do was sort the ornaments according to size, color and shape. The only year he wanted to hang ornaments, he hung them all on the same branch. I tried to let it alone, but after the bough touched the ground, I had to re-position them.
     This time, I promise myself I will not re-hang anything he puts on the tree, although I secretly pray that he will spread them around a little.
     “Jingle Bell Rock” starts playing, and we sing along. We are getting to the end of the ornaments, the boxes of gold balls that were bought on sale and have no meaning. Our work goes faster, as we fill all of the unadorned nooks on the tree. At last, we look back at the table. It is empty, just like my wine glass.
     Jake extends his long, muscled arms and engulfs me.
     “You’re the best mom,” he says. “What’s for dinner?”
     “Leftovers,” I reply. “Still think I’m the best?”
     He laughs and wanders into the kitchen. I hear him foraging in the refrigerator.
     After our dinner of re-heated minestrone and salad, I pour one more glass of wine and sit on the couch in the living room. I’ve turned the lights out, so that only the Christmas tree is lit. The colored bulbs sparkle in the darkness. I can hear the football game on TV, the crowd roaring from our family room. Otherwise, all is silent.
     Keith sits down beside me, wine glass in his hand. We watch the tree together.
     “Pretty, huh?” I ask.
     He nods. “I’ll put the outside lights on tomorrow.”
     “Do you ever worry that we don’t really do things family-style? I mean, I decorate the tree, you put up the outside lights… it’s not very team-oriented.” I can’t help but add, “We’re not exactly a Norman Rockwell painting.”
     Keith shrugs. “It’s just the way we work. Everybody does what they are good at.”
     He leans over and kisses my temple. His lips are soft and warm.
     “Besides-” He sweeps his hand toward the tree. “This is prettier than anything Norman Rockwell ever painted.”
     Suddenly he stands up. “Halftime’s over.” He returns to the family room, leaving me alone.
     I watch the lights flicker. Norman’s shadow is dancing around the tree.
     This is my world, Mr. Rockwell.
THE END

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