My tail is waggin'

I uploaded the files on Saturday afternoon, then spent Sunday checking Amazon and Smashwords every, oh, ten minutes, to see when my book would be ready. Smashwords finished first, then the Kindle version late Sunday, and finally, this morning there was a pretty little paperback for purchase on Amazon. Barnes & Nobel will get it into their system within the next 30 days or so.

It was the best feeling in the world. Monday was a whirlwind of email messages, Tweeting, and Facebook posting. I also packaged up: copies to send to reviewers, a copy won in a drawing at the L.A. Times Festival of Books, and a copy a friend/reader bought from my website so she could get it autographed.

Now I can sit back and tell myself it's a marathon, not a sprint. This is useful information when your books aren't selling and all you hear are crickets in cyber-space.

Here are all the links you can follow to buy Hit or Missus at the moment (in addition to the PayPal button at the right for an autographed copy.

Paperback
http://www.amazon.com/Hit-Missus-Gayle-Carline/dp/1461093597
 
Kindle
http://www.amazon.com/Missus-Peri-Minneopa-Mystery-ebook/dp/B00537SP5M
 
Other e-formats
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/62769

I'm releasing it now, dag-nabbit!

I spent today running amok. My tasks ran from posting my newest PNT column to taking my son's new car to be serviced, trying (but not succeeding) to get the title changed, checking on the status of my vendor booth at this summer's Concerts in the Park, and stopping by the store for groceries.

The result of all this is that my brain is amok. But for you, my peeps, I'm going to rein it in.

This morning, I read Helen Ginger's blog post, "Are You Kidding Me?" in which she shares an article she found on the internet stating the reason the Barnes & Noble Nook is so popular is because women hate technology and want simple gadgets, if they want any gadgets at all. Adding insult to injury, the article is written by a woman.

You all know I was a software engineer in a former life. I know lots of other women engineers. I know women who do all sorts of smart, techy stuff. Hell, I've met Sally Ride. So that article was like throwing gasoline on a fire, so much so that I was going to lead the charge into the ezine's cyber-offices and make them issue at least a balanced rebuttal.

Instead of prattling on about it, though, I'm going to take my fight to Facebook. If we got Betty White to host SNL, what else can we accomplish?

In the meantime I've been waiting to hear from my local library to set up a launch party for Hit or Missus. Once I had the date, I was going to release the book, along with details about the party. The problem is that my contact at the library isn't. Contacting me, that is. People get busy, I get it. But I can't put my book on hold while I wait for a phone call.

Perhaps it was my scattered brain trying to focus. Or maybe that article snapped me into taking strong, womanly action.  But I've made a decision.

I'm releasing Hit or Missus this Saturday, rain or shine. It will be available in paperback on Createspace, or in ebook format. I'll start the ebook on Kindle and Smashwords, so it'll migrate to the Nook, Kobo, Sony e-reader, etc. within a couple of weeks. I'll also offer autographed versions on my website.

Stay tuned for free Goodreads giveaways, contests and more!

Save the women and children - Todd Russell's in the house

I offered my blog up for human sacrifice cross-posting and got a few more responses, one of them being Todd Russell, who loves all things scary. He's also got a sense of humor - a manly, scatological, bathroom-giggly, sense of humor. Todd's entry for today has to do with visiting an establishment that has two restrooms, one for men named Richard and one for everyone else.

Take it away, Todd.

* * * * * *

No Dicks vs. Dicks


Check this out, I'm in the women's room and Gayle's in the men's room. Yeah, yeah, we've all done this by accident, but we're doing this intentionally. I get to talk at her blog about Dicks and No Dicks while she is stuck at mine working through her deepest, darkest mind-numbing fears. Who has the lighter gig today?

It's refreshing to come out of the dark and into the light today and say hello to the fine folks following this blog. Please don't take this as being abrupt but I'm going to get right to the story.

Recently I was out with a friend and he wanted to go throw down a beer and we stumbled upon this ramshackle bar in the middle of a town neither of us knew. I mean this place might have been new forty years ago. The only thing fresh there was the grass growing on the leaning roof and the beer bottle caps stuck in the ceiling.

The writer in me was drawn to their curious bathroom labels.

Creativity can be found in the strangest places, huh? But my mind wouldn't stop here, I started thinking about other labels they could have used. I mean, really, why stop at the Dicks thing. So I started making a list of her / him alternative bar bathroom labels:


1. In / Out

2. Hole / Moutain

3. Pink-green / Blue-green (for the eco-conscious)

4. Tidy / Messy

5. Sit / Stand

6. PMS / NFL or NBA or MLB (your choice)

7. Tampon / Temper

8. Romance / Sex

9. Wine / Beer

10. Earth / Wood

This was becoming so much fun that I flirted with asking my twitter friends to help me come up with more but thankfully common sense took over.

I'm going to leave Gayle's bathroom now. I am tidying up on the way out and yes, lifted the seat and washed my hands. I do appreciate the opportunity to come over here and say hello and at resist all temptation to pitch my book. A writer's promotional constipation: we want to promote and it is right there at the surface. But. We. Just. Can't.

Where is the paper towel dispenser, Gayle? No, no, not one of those hand dryers when we have to touch the germ-ridden door handles anyway?

I exit and try to leave behind those brain stealing alternative bathroom labels. It's not working, here's another: Hello / Goodbye.

Todd Russell started writing fiction immediately after he learned how to go to the bathroom on his own. Mental Shrillness, a collection of six twist ending horror stories, is his first book. An Amazon reviewer writes: “I was appalled … the stories are horrifying, disturbing and nauseating at times. I recommend Mental Shrillness to adult readers to challenge themselves on how strange a story they can handle.” You can follow Todd’s work at http://toddrwrite.com/

* * * * * *

Gayle here: Todd may not want to pitch his book, but here are ALLLLLL the sample and buy links to it, even those of you in Germany who are reading this now (Ach!) -

 Amazon US Kindle

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004U7FI6A/


Barnes & Noble NOOK
http://tinyurl.com/mentalshrillnessNOOK




Apple iBooks
http://itunes.apple.com/us/book/mental-shrillness/id433814981?mt=11&uo=4


Smashwords (multiple e-formats)
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/49957



Amazon UK
http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B004U7FI6A/



Amazon DE (Germany)
http://www.amazon.de/dp/B004U7FI6A/

Thanks, Todd! Now, please just get out of my restroom. By the way, did you eat the potpourri?

It's ready. Now what?

Dear Readers and Mystery Fans,

I received my proof copy of Hit or Missus yesterday, and I must say, it's really just damn fine looking. Writing the second book in my Peri Minneopa mystery series frightened me. I was afraid of the sophomore jinx. I tossed and turned, worrying about the plot, then fought my way through the writing. I can't even tell you how long it took me to write the last 20,000 words. All I can compare it to is that dream where you're running toward the door and it's getting further away at each step.

You've never had that dream?

Trust me, it sucks. No matter how much I wrote, I kept looking at the storyline, thinking, damn, I'm not done yet.

But now it's here and I actually love it. At the LA Times Festival of Books last weekend, I got to practice my elevator pitch, until I found one that worked:

"In Hit or Missus, my private eye is hired to spy on a wealthy, possibly cheating, wife, but the wife's girlfiriends have other ideas. Because, as you know, a friend will help you move. But a good friend will help you move a body."

How's that sound?

So Hit or Missus is ready to go. The paperback looks good. The e-book files are ready for upload to Kindle Direct and Smashwords. I could green-light them all right now.

The question is: Should I? Or should I hold back a little, until I've got the celebration planned, so that I release the book during the release party?

I've got the question up on Facebook, and I'm putting a poll on this blog. What say you?

Warmest regards,

Gayle
Author (of multiple books!), Columnist, Maven-in-Training

There's really no excuse

Remember when I was kvetching about no one wanting to download my book for free? Oh, wait, that was my last post. I was trying to give away some free books to get some word-of-mouth going about What Would Erma Do?

After all, a lot of my other author friends do that and end up with even more people who want to buy their books.

So I planned for a free giveaway through Smashwords for a couple of weeks, ending this Wednesday. Oddly enough, Smashwords was preparing their own promotion...

This week is Smashwords' "Read an e-book a week" week. They are offering participating books at greatly reduced prices, from 25% off to just plain free. Since I already had the free thing going on, I tagged on to the end of their campaign.

This means you now have until March 12th to download What Would Erma Do? Confessions of a First-time Humor Columnist for free. They offer SEVERAL formats, including Kindle, Nook, Sony, pdf, html... you can even download it to your computer and read it there.

So what are you waiting for? Go get it! NOW, before you have to pay $2.99, which is totally still worth it.

If you're wondering if it's any good, here are a few reviews from Goodreads (here's the link in case you think I'm making this up):

"I absolutely loved this book. It started with me laughing out loud at "...unless you count my Christmas letter of 1995. I have to admit, it was a killer." and continued through out the whole book. I love reading the columns and now I can't help but wonder if someone has changed any of the title or left out the good part of columns that I have read. Nothing like reading a humor columnist columns and laughing. Great fast read!"

"I enjoy these types of books, a slice of life thing. This is a fun read and I'm now following Gayle's blog."

"Gayle has a saucy sense of humor like Erma Bombeck and makes me laugh out loud at several of her columns. I won this copy through the giveaways program. I plan to pass this one around among my friends - especially those who have a similar way with words!"

In the meantime, I'm in the middle of rehosting my website and the webmaster has to do some behind-the-scenes wackiness that involve DSNs and nameservers and domains. So my website is in limbo until all that's done. I'll let you all know when it's back up so you can critique it.

Because I suspect you, like myself, love to give people your opinion as often as possible.

Ah-hem... tap-tap... is this thing on?

What does a girl have to do to get noticed? Better yet, what would Erma do?

That would be Erma Bombeck, humor writer extraordinaire, who, if she didn't pave the way for slice-of-life humor essayists, at least smoothed the path for those of us who followed. Erma died too young, at 69, due to complications from a kidney transplant. I imagine if she had lived, we'd still be reading her in magazines, seeing her on TV, and looking for her books in the stores.

On a side note, I just read the previous sentence and was struck by how I wrote that we would be "reading her" instead of "reading her stories." That was the heart of Erma Bombeck - we were always reading HER. It was always her voice telling us tales of her life. Whether they were funny or poignant, or even exaggerated to the point of no return, we felt like we knew her by the end of every 500 words.

Not only do I love humor essays, I was born on her birthday: February 21st, which makes me feel very close to her even if I'm not.

So now that I have been a humor essayist for six years, I thought it was time to put out a book of my columns, which I've talked about here. I named the book What Would Erma Do? because it was, and is, a common mantra of mine.

Me: "Should I do x or y?"
Me Again: "I don't know. What would Erma do?"

I realize that you have to advertise and promote and sometimes give free samples in order to build your audience. I gave 5 free autographed copies out at Goodreads, which was fun. I've also offered free e-downloads at Smashwords until March 9th.*

Here's the thing - I've only had TWO people take me up on the free download offer. Really? Really, people? The cool thing about Smashwords is that you can download in any format. Kindle, pdf, rtf, lrf (for Sony e-readers), Nook, html, plain text, you name it, they've got it. And it's free right now. FREE.

Just go to http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/40096, select your format and enter XW39W for the coupon code.

My only request is, if you like it, please either post a review on Amazon, or leave it in the comments on my blog, or email your nice words to me. If you don't like it, I don't mind a bad review if it's 1) a thoughtful analysis of what you didn't like; or 2) funny, although snarky. I don't want to hear that I'm ugly and my mother dresses me funny. Preaching to the choir, kids.

*Why March 9th? Because it's the first day of Lent, so I thought I'd offer the freebie while I was still feeling celebratory.