Oh, no, please don't offer me free books

...said no one ever.

This weekend, I'm celebrating April Fool's Day with humor. Humor is a broad topic, and very subjective. What makes me laugh may not even make you smile. It might even make you scratch your head and say, "I don't get it." And that's the worst part about humor. If something doesn't make you laugh, do you say, "Well, that kind of humor doesn't appeal to me"?

No, you say, "That wasn't funny (because I didn't laugh)."

So let me define my "humor"--if you like situational comedy, full of gentle wit, centering around a woman with a family, a home, a car, and other things that like to foil her daily plans to be doing anything else, then have I got a deal for you.

This weekend (March 31st thru April 4th), I'm offering ALL FIVE of my humor books for FREE on Kindle. Yes, ALL FIVE. 

I know what you're thinking. Gayle, I can only read one book at a time, and my TBR pile is enormous. Even my Kindle App is sagging from the load. 

Here's the great thing about a book (or books) of essays: you don't have to read the whole book. Got some time, waiting at the doctor's office? At the curb, waiting for the kiddo to get out of school? You know if you start reading a whole novel or biography or whatever, you'll just get into it when--BAM!--"The doctor will see you now."

But you could read an essay. They say the average person reads 200 words per minute. I don't know who "they" are, but the essays in my books are around 600 words apiece. That's three minutes. In most doctors' offices, you might read four essays before you're called in. Three minutes at a time, for a complete story.

Here are the links to the books (you can also visit my brand new PROMOTION page on the website for the latest deals):

WHAT WOULD ERMA DO? CONFESSIONS OF A FIRST-TIME COLUMNIST
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004LX0D04

ARE YOU THERE ERMA? IT'S ME GAYLE
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B005YOL7JA

RAISING THE PERFECT FAMILY AND OTHER TALL TALES
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B016TY4EPM

YOU'RE FROM WHERE?
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B016TZ3XRG

HOLLY JOLLY HOLIDAYS
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B016TZTZZK


Pick 'em up before April 4th--you won't be disappointed!

A sneak peek, and a contest.

THE SNEAK PEEK

Remember those three books I'm going to be releasing on October 10? I have two of the covers! But I'm only going to show you one of them today. I'm a tease like that. 

Drum roll, please... Presenting:

RAISING THE PERFECT FAMILY AND OTHER TALL TALES 

Gayle Carline does not believe in perfect families. She does believe in tall tales, however, and is willing to stretch the truth until it’s paper thin.

She’s been writing a humor column for the Placentia News-Times, a local paper affiliated with the Orange County Register, since 2005. Aiming for slice-of-life, Erma Bombeck-style stories, she tells tales about her husband, their son, and their various distractions, from pets to car repair.

At first, she thought she was writing to entertain people. After she heard from readers telling her how much their lives mirrored her own, she realized why she was writing—to feel like part of a community.

Her stories of gentle wit and family absurdities should be recognizable to every perfectly imperfect family everywhere.

Like I said, it'll be out on October 10, in paperback first, and only available to my readers who come to the book launch, which will be in Tri-City Park at the 2015 Placentia Heritage Festival. If you're in the area, come on around! I plan to have a lot of fun stuff!

THE CONTEST

Meet my chicken.

One of my friends deposited this chicken on my front porch with the following note:

The story of the chicken came about when I shared a blog post on my Facebook page. http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/ It's a funny story, plus I love this woman's chicken. What's not to love about a 5-foot-tall metal chicken? I mentioned on FB that I wanted one, and one of my friends got me one. It's a lot smaller, and a little more elegant, but damn, he's one fine rooster.

(BTW, I'm still trying to cross-reference the friends with my sense of humor with the friends who know where I live. It's still a long list.)

So here's the contest: What should I name him?  

THE RULES -

1. Submit your idea for the chicken's name either in the comments below, or on my Facebook page, or as a message on Twitter.

2. I will gather all the names and put them to a vote.

3. Winner receives a copy of one of my books, plus a $10 Amazon gift card.

Ready, set, name!

I'm not Lisa*

As you can see on the side panel of this blog, I have two books of humor essays, culled from the columns I write for the Placentia News-Times (I am currently on hiatus until the election is over, but plan to return).

A few light-months ago, someone took me to task for having the audacity to mention Erma in the titles. Most people know this refers to the late but very great Erma Bombeck. She is the queen of the Slice of Life Humor Essay, having written over 4,000 columns before her very untimely death in 1996. The unnamed individual believed that it turned Erma-lovers off, to have someone mention her name in connection with their own writing.

When someone criticizes something I have done or said, my first instinct is to say, "Oh, no! Maybe they're right! Maybe I'm not funny, maybe I didn't think this through, maybe I am as dumb as I look." Or something to that effect. If confronted head-on, I tend to fold and claim stupidity. If it's something in writing, I'm able to walk away and examine it, to see if I truly am an idiot.

So after months of examination, I can finally see the forest and the trees. Here's my answer:

I didn't name my books after Erma because I think I am the next Erma Bombeck. No one is the next Erma Bombeck. She came along in the 60s with a fresh voice, who said out loud what so many wives and moms were thinking: Why the hell does anyone think housework is fun and childrearing is easy? Of course, she said it in some truly hilarious ways. She was both talented AND unique for her time.

There are dozens, perhaps hundreds, of Ermas now. We all feel free to tell the world just what happened to us today and why we have to laugh about it because otherwise we'd have to sit down and cry and that makes our faces puffy. There are so many of us doing it that, when I was looking around to try to be syndicated, lots of newspapers and magazines said, "No slice of life pieces." I can only guess they are inundated with men and women who had a bad day and want to write about it in a funny way.

It's cheaper than therapy.

Erma led the charge. She was the first, and no one will ever replace her. Her followers (like me) work like crazy to be funny and poignant, as she was, but we all know she created the blueprint for us.

I like to think karma made me a humor essayist, because Erma and I share the same birthday - February 21 (not the same year).

I used Erma in my books' titles because 1) I share her sense of humor, and 2) I aspire to be like her. Some people think I'm as funny as Erma, and some do not. Humor is subjective and that is just something humor writers have to steel themself against. If I don't quite make it up to her quality (in some people's opinions), at least everyone knows where I'm aiming.

So the answer is that I made the right decision. At some point, I plan to put out one more Erma book. I like things in threes.

*The reason for this post's title is that, when I was first criticized, I thought, "Well, I'm not Erma," and this song jumped, immediately, into my head.


BTW, this is from an episode of Hee Haw. Loved Buck Owens.

Amazon, schmamazon

In theory, I should despise Amazon. They are the Wal-Mart of the Internet, offering goods and services at such low prices, they decimate any mom-and-pop endeavors in the area, blighting towns and only hiring part-time employees so they don't have to offer any benefits. Amazon is out to rule the world, and so far, it seems that nothing will stop them.

And yet.

As an author, I'm damned happy they exist. I've uploaded my books on Kindle and created paperbacks on CreateSpace, and they are for sale in the Amazon store nearly immediately. Amazon lets me set up an Author's page, where people can come and see if I'm legit or just a fly-by-night, one-trick-writer, full of typos and horrid grammar. They make it easy for me to get my books to market, and they pay me monthly. Yes. Monthly.

Let's consider the rest of the industry: Barnes & Noble, Sony, Apple, Kobo, blah-blah-blah. At Barnes & Noble, we have the PubIt! feature, but I can't set up an author's page and they pay every 60 days. I can't figure out how to even load my own books on the rest, except to go through Smashwords. Don't misunderstand - Smashwords is a great vehicle for uploading to all e-readers, but I'm only paid a month after every quarter end.

Not as friendly as Amazon.

As much as I love people of all e-races and e-readers to have access to my books, I tallied last year's numbers and saw that I did less than 10% of my total sales on all non-Kindle devices put together.

So I'm trying an experiment. I've signed up for the Kindle Select Lending Program, for my newest book, "Are You There Erma? It's Me Gayle". For 90 days, this book will only be available on Kindle. For the next FIVE days, it is being offered as a free promotion.

This is day one, and it's at #1,093 in the Free Kindle Store, #3 in Humor, Essays and #4 in Humor, Parenting and Families. It feels a little icky to be handing out all these free copies, but we'll see how the free rankings help my sales once the free promotion shine wears off.

If it gives this book the boost I'm hoping for, I may have to go with nothing but Kindle for all my books. Sorry, Nook-folks, iReaders, Sony-ites. It's all Amazon's fault. They're treating me too nicely.

And for all you Kindlings, you've got til Friday to get Are You There Erma? It's Me Gayle. What are you waiting for?

We have a winner!

First of all, to keep this post even mildly related to October and All Hallows Eve and Dias de los Muertos and all things macabre and chilling, I've had a few fun Halloween costumes, but there's one I've always wanted to wear. You could say it's on my bucket list, to dress like Carmen Miranda.

Isn't she fabulous? Check out the shoes - who wouldn't want to dress up like her? There are only two problems. One is I don't have the time, or possibly the ability to MAKE a costume like this, and I don't know where I'd rent one. The other is, at my age, I don't have the abs to make it fab. But if given the opportunity, I'd make it work.

Maybe I should just stick with this one. I could probably whip up an adult-sized version of this without too much trouble. (In case you don't know, I'm a horse. My Aunt Ardell made this for me, and was my idol forever after.)




Now then, to more pressing, non-scary matters:

I'VE CHOSEN A WINNER.

Remember last month when I was trying to goad you all into helping me chose a name for my next humor book? Remember the rules, where you could vote for one, or come up with a new one, and that I'd either pick the one with the most votes or the suggestion that was so freakin' brilliant it made every other title hide in shame?

That last thing happened. A title was submitted that was P.E.R.F.E.C.T. Perfect, I tell you. When I turned it in to Joe Felipe, my cover designer, he designed the P.E.R.F.E.C.T. cover for it. It's kErma, I tell you. Karmic Erma.

Ta Da!

Title submitted by Tameri Etherton, who will receive a free, autographed copy.

Description:

When Gayle Carline clawed her way into her local newspaper office and groveled until they gave her a weekly humor column, she worried about not having enough material. Then she took a look at her life. Nearly every week something in her house or car needs repair, her son doesn't know why being able to see his carpet is a big deal, and her husband believes less is more, especially when it comes to communication. In What Would Erma Do, she chronicled her first two years as a paid exaggerator. Now she's back with two more years of merriment, along with editorial high jinks and readers' opinions. It's the most fun she's ever had without a credit card.

Quotes from World Famous Reviewers: 

"This is off the record, right, Mom?" - Marcus Carline

"When I retire, I'm writing some rebuttals." - Dale Carline

Are You There Erma? It's Me, Gayle will be released within the next two weeks (I still want to give it one more read-through). As always, it will be available as a paperback for $12.99, as well as an e-reader through Kindle, Nook, Sony, Apple, Kobo, you name it, I'll sell it there for the low-low price of 99 cents.

I'll, of course, announce its availability on Facebook, Twitter, and the 6 o'clock news, if I can figure out a way to get their attention without being arrested. But if you want to just be told, ship me your email and you'll be the first to receive the announcement. I promise, PROMISE, not to email you anything else, unless you request it.

The book-naming contest takes a turn.

Last Saturday night at the Southern California Writer's Conference, I was sitting at a table with Jean Jenkins, waiting for the Agents and Editors Panel to start (which ended up being the Agents Panel, but that was okay - it was interesting, listening to them try to justify their relevance), and I told her about how my sales were going and what else I was writing. I said I had pushed my third mystery aside ever so briefly in order to put out another book of columns, but I was having a devil of a time coming up with a title.

Insightful as always, Jean said, "Why don't you just call it Erma Two?"

That was the missing link. For better or worse (I believe for better), my first book is titled "What Would Erma Do?" I still love the title, because it sums up how I ended up with my newspaper column. After all, Erma Bombeck and I share a birthday, February 21. It's karma. Or maybe it's kErma.

I'm now thinking of a title that begins, "Dear Erma, *fill in the blank*"

Here are my ideas:

"Dear Erma, It's me, Gayle"
"Dear Erma, Now What?"
"Dear Erma, Am I Doing It Right?"

Via Facebook, Marlyn Beebe suggested, "Dear Erma, where did I go wrong?"
Jean offered, "Dear Erma, how do I know when to stop?"
My buddy Jenny Hilborne gave me, "Dear Erma, why are people so mean?" (Jen was obviously having a bad day.)
And my friend Brian Eng said, "Dear Erma, why do some people still think that Columbus discovered America?" (Brian is just one of the reasons I don't let the inmates run the asylum.)

Okay, my Minions, it's your turn. Give me your best shot, or vote for one of these.

P.S. I know you sillies love a good joke, but no voting for Brian. It only encourages him.

Dragging my feet... until I jumped

I did not want to be a self-published author.

In the old days, I saw what self-published authors produced. God love 'em, for all their good intentions, there was a sea of poorly written, badly formatted, cheaply bound dreck out there, all with hideous covers. My dear, departed uncle wrote a few books like that. He was a really good artist, but not such a good writer. I loved him, but couldn't bring myself to buy his books.

Thank you, no. I'll find a real publisher. Which I did, for FREEZER BURN. The book turned out really nice and I'll always be grateful for the experience. But for the next book, I decided I wanted to try something different.

Back when I was slogging my way through the writing of HIT OR MISSUS, I had this idea for a book of my newspaper columns. I wanted to write a kind of memoir around them and talk about how I got the job, the ideas for some of the columns, feedback from readers, etc. I'd call it WHAT WOULD ERMA DO? Referring, of course, to the great lady herself, Erma Bombeck, with whom I share a birthday.

I approached agents and publishers, who all said, "That sounds interesting. The thing is, you're not famous. Call us when you're Dave Barry."

First of all, I'm pretty sure that's identity theft. Second, I don't think my husband wants to be married to Dave.

When I had almost given up, I met up with a friend who is a prolific and very traditionally published writer. She had recently gotten the rights back to some of her titles, so she threw them onto the Kindle for consumption and was selling a lot. I mean, A LOT. Like, in a very short time, she was able to pay bills with her monthly income.

Hmm. Think-think-think. I already had a readership for my columns. My book of columns was a departure from my novel. I've already been published by a legitimate publishing house. What would it hurt to do my column book on my own?

I researched the online tools, hired an artist to do the cover, and threw WHAT WOULD ERMA DO to the masses as a paperback and an e-book.

And just like that, I was self-pubbed.

In the meantime, I finished HIT OR MISSUS and shopped it around. The entire time I was trying to find it a home, my FREEZER BURN readers were tapping me on my cyber-shoulder. "When's the next one coming out?" was their common question. Agents loved my story. They praised the pacing, the dialogue, the characters. However, it wasn't "right" for them at the moment. I knew what this meant. Agents need to sell to the big houses, and the big houses aren't buying midlist authors because they're only interested in The Blockbuster. I'm no idiot. HIT OR MISSUS is a good, solid, midlist mystery.

So, once again, I took the reins in my own hands. It was easier the second time around. I knew how to do pre-promotion work, how to format the book better, etc.

Suddenly, I wasn't just self-pubbed, I was an Indie Author.

As I prepared for the Santa Barbara Writer's Conference, I thought about how far my thinking had come and what it meant to me. There is still a lot of dreck out there, and the hope is that readers will discover the non-dreck, but in the meantime, the indie authors who want to not only succeed in the business but also raise self-publishing out of the mire and into the mainstream must push themselves constantly toward perfection. Our books must be high quality, in both content and form. We must write better than our best work, to show the world that Indie Authors are serious about their craft.

And then I thought about my life. I won't get embarrassingly personal, but I was raised in a very co-dependent home with a closet alcoholic and a family full of people who wanted to be in the middle of my brain at all times. Psychologically, people raised this way spend their lives trying REALLY HARD to appear NORMAL, which means they end up as overachievers.

After that, I worked as an engineer for years, in a field populated by a lot (not all) of men. Our employer made certain our pay was equal and harassment was treated seriously, etc. But there was an understanding about what women could do versus men: the guy sitting next to me could be an aggravating slob and they'd call him assertive. If I did it, I was a bitch.

So I've learned to work harder and smarter, just to be considered equal to those around me. Do I have to continue doing this to convince people my books are as good as the authors at Random House?

Bring it on. I'm not afraid of a little work.

Ah-hem... tap-tap... is this thing on?

What does a girl have to do to get noticed? Better yet, what would Erma do?

That would be Erma Bombeck, humor writer extraordinaire, who, if she didn't pave the way for slice-of-life humor essayists, at least smoothed the path for those of us who followed. Erma died too young, at 69, due to complications from a kidney transplant. I imagine if she had lived, we'd still be reading her in magazines, seeing her on TV, and looking for her books in the stores.

On a side note, I just read the previous sentence and was struck by how I wrote that we would be "reading her" instead of "reading her stories." That was the heart of Erma Bombeck - we were always reading HER. It was always her voice telling us tales of her life. Whether they were funny or poignant, or even exaggerated to the point of no return, we felt like we knew her by the end of every 500 words.

Not only do I love humor essays, I was born on her birthday: February 21st, which makes me feel very close to her even if I'm not.

So now that I have been a humor essayist for six years, I thought it was time to put out a book of my columns, which I've talked about here. I named the book What Would Erma Do? because it was, and is, a common mantra of mine.

Me: "Should I do x or y?"
Me Again: "I don't know. What would Erma do?"

I realize that you have to advertise and promote and sometimes give free samples in order to build your audience. I gave 5 free autographed copies out at Goodreads, which was fun. I've also offered free e-downloads at Smashwords until March 9th.*

Here's the thing - I've only had TWO people take me up on the free download offer. Really? Really, people? The cool thing about Smashwords is that you can download in any format. Kindle, pdf, rtf, lrf (for Sony e-readers), Nook, html, plain text, you name it, they've got it. And it's free right now. FREE.

Just go to http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/40096, select your format and enter XW39W for the coupon code.

My only request is, if you like it, please either post a review on Amazon, or leave it in the comments on my blog, or email your nice words to me. If you don't like it, I don't mind a bad review if it's 1) a thoughtful analysis of what you didn't like; or 2) funny, although snarky. I don't want to hear that I'm ugly and my mother dresses me funny. Preaching to the choir, kids.

*Why March 9th? Because it's the first day of Lent, so I thought I'd offer the freebie while I was still feeling celebratory.

Sorry for the delay

I realize I haven't posted for awhile, and I'm awfully sorry about that. I've tried to post a couple of times, but when my thoughts haven't been too scattered to collect into one place, they've been plain old, day-old stale. Here's where they are scattering:

1. Should I make bookmarks for my new book, What Would Erma Do? I could leave them at the library to drum up business, but other than that, is there any other place who would use them? I've handed them out at book festivals, conferences, etc. but having been a recipient of TONS of bookmarks, I can't say I've ever used any of the ones I was given. Perhaps the day of the advertising bookmark is done. Maybe I should hand out pens… or Kindle covers with my cover on them…

2. I need to push the advertising of the new book. I've been hanging back while it got uploaded for Kindle, but now that it's oh-so-nearly complete, I need to prepare to get busy!

3. I need to edit and update my Peri short story and decide what to do with it. I've got a couple of ideas, but I need to actually DO them.

4. My second Peri book is in the hands of two agents. I was flattered to have them request it. One has had it for a couple of months, however. I've contacted her once to see whether she got it, whether it's a no, but haven't gotten a response. Should I contact her one more time and piss her off? The other agent just received it, so she gets more time.

5. Speaking of the second book and agents, should I even be pursuing a contract with a publisher or should I self-pub?

6. Next week, I'm off to a horse show in Burbank, and the following week I'll be at the Southern California Writer's Conference in San Diego. Just in those two weekends, there's a lot to think about, as well as some packing to do.

So until I have something meaningful to tell you, I'll leave you with a lady I love to learn from, Marla Miller. She has a great website on how to market your muse. Oh - and if any of YOU have something meaningful to tell ME, go ahead and spill. I may be scattered, but I'm still listening.

Nuthin but good news

First, the good news: I'm currently getting my new book formatted for the Kindle. So, for all of you Kindle fans (of which I am a member), sit tight and you can have your copy of What Would Erma Do? AT AN UNBELIEVABLY LOW PRICE. Okay, I'm not sure about how unbelievable, but it will be a smidgeon of what you'd pay for some author-with-a-big-name-publisher's newest book.

Second, the also-good news: If you like paperbacks, would you like a free copy of WWED? Just head over to Goodreads and ENTER TO WIN!

***BREAKING NEWS*** When I first posted this, I forgot to say that the giveaway begins January 21st and ends February 21st. Why? Because February 21st is my birthday, and it is also Erma's birthday. How karmic is that? So visit Goodreads on Friday, January 21, and go for the win!

No purchase necessary, void in the states of Denial, Consternation, and Irritability. See below for details:

Goodreads Book Giveaway

What Would Erma Do?

by Gayle Carline

Giveaway ends February 21, 2011.

See the giveaway details
at Goodreads.

Enter to win

A new book for a new year

A quick post today, folks, introducing my latest book, which is now available on Amazon:









Gorgeous, yes? The cover art was designed by the fabulous Joe Felipe of Market Me Graphics. Love. Him.



People kept asking me when I was going to publish a book of my columns, and I kept saying, gee yes, I should do that. But when I approached agents/editors/publishers, their response was lukewarm at best.





"Yes, that sounds like a great idea, but you're not famous. Come back and see us when you're Dave Barry."





Not to sound pissy, but when I'm Dave Barry, I don't need to go see them. I might need to see a specialist, however.





So I decided to try out Amazon's CreateSpace program. You write the book, send them your stuff and they publish it. You get a bunch more money per sale than if you went the traditional route, and you have more control.





Control is not always a good thing. Having never published my own book before, I had to go a few rounds with them on page count, margin size, etc. Most of these corrections were because I didn't know what I was doing. Fortunately, CreateSpace was willing to work with me on fixing things. They do charge a little money for their part of the process, and they waived certain fees with me because they understood my floundering.





Now all I have to do is let everyone in the universe know it's out there so the people who like to laugh can buy it and get a giggle or two.





I don't have any signings lined up, but if you live near me and you buy a copy, let me know and I'll come sign it for you. Hell, I'll read it to you if you like. It'll be fun. We can do lunch.





Call me.

The ball, she is rolling!

I just got off the phone with the lovely folks at Amazon's Createspace, and I can officially say that I'm on my way to publishing my first book of columns. I say "first" because I'm hoping there'll be more.

I had to talk to a representative because I seemed to be in between the menu options they listed - I have cover art, designed by the wonderful Joe Felipe, but I feel unsure of myself when it comes to formatting the manuscript to look as professional as it can. So they figured out a "one from Column A, one from Column B" program for me, along with some phone numbers to call if I needed help. I'm guessing they mean help with my book. I could use some help emptying the trash and cleaning the patio...

ANYWHO. Here's my cover. I love it. More later.

Calling all readers

I know, I know, it's been a coupla weeks since I posted anything, although I have been writing. Just not blogging.

So, as Mr. Monk would say, here's what happened:

I finished the second book and dutifully set it aside while I started putting together a book of my newspaper columns. Everyone knows I write a weekly column, yes? It's in the Placentia News-Times, which is a subsidiary or something of the Orange County Register. So, anyway, instead of slapping a bunch of columns in and putting them into categories, I built it as a memoir of my first few years as a columnist. I've named it, "What Would Erma Do? Confessions of a First-Time Humor Columnist". I'm working with a guy on the cover art and getting it ready for self-publishing.

Now, back to the mystery novel... I printed it out and took it with me on vacation, where I ran through the first edits. Here's what I've got so far - it's clean. It reads smoothly. It goes from start to end without confusion. The characters are solid. The dialogue is real.

Here's what I don't know - is it a GOOD story? Is it compelling? Is the plot too convoluted? Are there any deux ex machina moments I've ignored because I wanted things to come together in a particular way? Have I missed any opportunities to tell a better, more complete tale?

So I'm trolling for beta readers. Would anyone out there like to be my guinea pig? If so, here's what I need from you:

1. Be specific in your notes. "I don't like it," doesn't tell me how to fix it.
2. Be kind. Only because I think this world would be so much better if everyone was kinder.

The title is "Hit or Missus". Here's my first draft at the jacket blurb.

Former housecleaner Peri Minneopa thinks her new job as a private investigator should consist of quiet days doing background searches and low-risk surveillance. Her latest case is a normal one: a husband suspects his wife is cheating, and hires Peri to get to the truth. As soon as she starts working, however, she finds herself on the wrong end of the investigation, as the hunted instead of the hunter. The threats alarm her enough, but when the bodies start piling up, she must decide whether this case, and this career, is what she had in mind.

If you're interested in reading the whole story, shoot me an email with either your email address, if you prefer a soft copy, or your postal address if you want a hard copy.

Cheers.

Give me a B! Give me an O-O-K!

Normally, my posts consist of my blathering on about some subject, but today will be a little different. I want to tell everyone about a very special woman and her very special services.

No, not those kinds of services. People, get your minds out of the gutter!

I met Marsha Toy Engstrom at the 2008 Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop in Dayton, Ohio. We hit it off immediately, sharing both a common sense of humor and outgoing personalities. Marsha was just getting her website, The Book Club Cheerleader, put together, and I was writing my humor column for the Placentia News-Times. Freezer Burn was but a twinkle in the back of my mind. We had a great time that weekend, and kept in touch.

With a background in team building and group dynamics, Marsha facilitates workshops and coaches book clubs to help groups get the most out of their experience. Her motto is, "They come for the Book, they stay for the Fun, and they leave if you screw up the People part."

The concept of a cheerleader for book clubs intrigued me, and, being an enquiring mind, I had some questions for her. What I discovered was a woman who injects energy into everything she touches, including her answers to my questions! I was going to edit Marsha's answers so my post wouldn't be too long, but I can't bear to remove one word. I'm going to post our interview over the next two days, so you can feel the enthusiasm for yourselves.

All I can say is, I want to go out and start a book club, just so I can have as much fun as Marsha!

1. Is your coaching service available online only, or do you make house calls? If so, how many pom-poms do you bring?

Gayle, the last part of that question is always the toughest one for me! Pom poms are not like little black dresses—or even coach’s whistles—where you know you can pack just one. So it really depends on how many participants you expect. You need at least one per person—preferably two. And then there’s the question of color—do you match what you’re wearing—or do you match the home décor? Is the occasion special enough to bring the metallic pom poms and wear the sparkle Nikes?

I do make house calls—I hold public workshops with my business partner, but I love to make private house calls; they're the best. Book clubs have invited me to help them facilitate the process of choosing their group name, coordinate icebreakers to kick-off their meetings, and observe their group processes and give them feedback. Each reading group is different, and what they want to achieve varies, so I love the diversity of visiting different clubs.

2. What's the best experience you've ever had with a book and a club?

Wow—I’ve had so many truly great experiences with reading groups—it’s hard to pick just one!

One time, I visited a book club to facilitate a fun activity called “Hat’s Off’ where a half the group holds a mock decision-making meeting while wearing hats, and the other half of the group observes their interaction. Each hat tells all the other group members how to treat the wearer, i.e. “Agree with me”, “I’m the Leader”, “My Ideas Stink”, etc. It’s fairly short and it typically takes about 30 minutes to conduct the activity and facilitate a discussion of group culture, power, unwritten rules, etc. This group had so much fun role-playing, and then was so interested in what the results meant, that we spent over an hour debriefing and discussing their group dynamics. They really got into it—it was a powerful learning experience for them.

Another time, a group asked me to facilitate a team-building session at their off-site on personality differences. I asked them to take an assessment ahead of time, giving them directions on how to score it. They arrived at the off-site ready to find out what their personality type meant—and how each affects their reading group as a whole. Not only did the group have a fun and high-energy learning experience while I was there, but also I’m told that for the rest of the weekend, they kept bringing up various aspects of what they learned about themselves as new “aha’s.” That is one of the greatest compliments a facilitator can get!

3. How does your group choose their reading list?

My own neighborhood book club, Readers in the Hood™, chooses our books two to three months in advance. Other groups I work with choose anywhere from 6-12 months in advance. Our club’s first rule is that you must have read the book to suggest it. (Yes—we have a couple of horror stories about books that got good press, but no one in our group had read them before suggesting, and they bombed…) Many of our group members use on-line resources including Book Browse and Reading Group Guides, as well as other print publications such as Bookmarks and The New York Review of Books to help find potentially good book club selections. Everyone is encouraged to bring a nominee or two. We then go around the room, Round Robin style, with each member telling a bit about the book, and why she believes it would make good discussion material. Finally, we take a vote, and the book with the most votes wins. If it’s a tie, we have our selection for the following month as well. We also keep a detailed history of past selections by genre, with the average group grade. This reminds us what types of books we’ve enjoyed reading and discussing in the past (Multi-cultural and Coming of Age are two popular themes for our group) and also encourages us to keep diversity in our reading.

4. I tend to think of book clubs as being fiction-readers, but is that accurate?

Some are, however, many book clubs enjoy reading a variety of types of books including biographies, memoirs, and history in addition to the typical literary novel. According to Reading Group Guides, 5 of their Top 45 book club selections for 2008, or 11%, were non-fiction tomes. These included contemporary book club favorites such as A Long Way Gone by Ishmael Beah, Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin, and The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls; and enduring favorites like The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank, and Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom.

Readers in the Hood™ has selected 15 out of 50, or 30% of our reading list to include non-fiction books. Some of our favorites include: The Color of Water by James McBride, The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls, Honeymoon with My Brother by Franz Wisner, Memoirs of a Beautiful Boy by Robert Leleux, Seabiscuit by Laura Hillenbrand, and Under the Banner of Heaven by John Krakauer.

Most reading groups tell me that they enjoy reading a diverse reading list, and with so many great non-fiction books available, it would be hard to exclude them. (And then there are the books that were classified as Nonfiction, that turn out to be fiction—but we probably shouldn’t go there, should we, Mr. Frey?)

5. Do you ever abandon a book?

We subscribe to Nancy Pearl’s “50-page rule.” It states basically —and I’m paraphrasing—that life is too short to read bad books. And we’re not snobs here—a ‘bad book’ is simply one that you do not enjoy reading. So if you read the first 50 pages and you are completely underwhelmed, the author has not done his or her job—which was to hook you. You, therefore, have permission to ditch that puppy and move on in search of your next great read. In a book club discussion, this means that the person just needs to tell the group, “I invoked the 50-page rule” and no one will think any worse of you. Sometimes that person can add to the discussion by telling what didn’t work for her, and other times she just won’t be able to add much to the conversation. But reading book club books is not homework for English 101. Reading should remain an enjoyable aspect of our adult lives—not a drudgery. Thanks, Nancy!

See, isn't she great? Tomorrow, we'll talk about bad book (and group) experiences, and what's next on the horizon for our Book Club Cheerleader.

(Marsha and her Readers in the Hood, at the Forsyte Saga event. Marsha is at the top, left.)

Get your pom poms ready and join us!

Who knew?

You all know I write a newspaper column, right? Most people consider it an "Erma Bombeck" style of humor essay, which doesn't offend me in the least since I loved Erma and even share a birthday with her. You can read some of my columns here.

I've been writing the column since March 2005, describing the ups, downs and quirkiness of life at the Carline house. It's been an interesting job. Every week I tell some tale about Marcus at school or Dale and I trying to have a conversation, but I rarely get any feedback about my essays. Were they good? Did anybody laugh? Is anybody reading them?

(Tapping microphone) Is this thing on?

Four years later, I've started to get noticed. People I meet around town tell me they read my column every week and enjoy it a lot. It's such a reward to know I'm not writing into a void. Still, I consider my essays to be frivolous little excursions into one family's life. You know, a mom's story about getting her son to do his homework, or a woman's tale of getting her car repaired. Not exactly hard-hitting news.

Then, this weekend, that perception changed. I was at the end of the year banquet for my son's high school soccer game, sitting at a table with two couples I didn't know, chatting about our kids and the latest budget crisis, etc. At the end of the evening, one of the women moved over to the chair next to mine and said, "I want to thank you for all those articles you write. My son is two years behind Marcus, and I feel like you've prepared me for everything he's gone through."

She pointed out an article I had written specifically about the transition from elementary school to junior high. I was a little dismayed by the extremes at the time: we had gone from a very supportive, feel-good elementary education, to an environment that rivaled most universities in the degree of "sink or swim" independence, and lack of involvement from the teachers. When her son went into junior high, she knew how to be pro-active, just from reading my humorous take on Middle School Survival tactics. People do tell me they like my columns because they see themselves in my situations, but who knew my sassy writing would actually help someone?

Her remarks were the high point of my weekend. I've written my column for four years, and will probably continue, as long as I enjoy it and my editors keep me around. I remember, after the first year, thinking I was a pretty good writer now and why wasn't I getting more noticed? Now, I look back and see how much I had to learn and to grow, both in my skills and my reputation. And I feel that I'm truly ready to be a successful author, as well as a "famous-in-my-own-backyard" columnist.

What about you? Did anyone else think they were ready for the next big thing, whether it was a book deal or a work promotion, only to realize there were still some lessons to learn? What did you do to be ready to take that step?

Missing: I once was lost but now I'm found!

I feel like I spent last week in a weird bubble - the bubble of leading the VHS Choir dinner theater. No, I wasn't in charge of the music, but I was in charge of everything else. We did two nights and managed to get people seated, fed, and entertained. Unfortunately, I didn't do anything else (with the exception of writing my column), which is why I can't find the floor of my family room from the clutter and I've got two weeks' worth of laundry looming.

But I'm back now, and I'm going to take a day to relax a little before I jump into taming the chaos, partly because I feel like I've been rode hard and put away wet, but mostly because today's my birthday.

Yes, feel free to raise a glass - you can toast anything you want. If we ever meet, just tell me you wished me well. I share this birthday with one of my favorite writers EVAH, the lovely and talented Erma Bombeck. Erma would have been 82 today, had she lived. She passed away April 22, 1996 from complications due to a kidney transplant.

My kidneys seem to be still firing on all cylinders, and I'm not quite as old. How old am I? Hold your left hand up about a foot from your face, palm forward, fingers separated. Now hold your right hand up to mirror your left hand. Now wiggle your hands back and forth while keeping your arms quiet. What have you got? Jazz hands! Also two-fives. Double nickels. The speed limit on some freeways.

That's right. I'm "jazz hands" old.

So time is ticking, people! I've got to get more written, more published, more sold! Freezer Burn will be released this fall, but in the meantime, Echelon Press has published an anthology, MISSING, to benefit the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. I have a story in the mix, "Cleaning up at the Franks," starring my P.I., Peri Minneopa. If you'd like to meet Peri early and support an organization dedicated to finding lost children, order your copy by clicking here.

Before I go, do you have an author or other artist with whom you feel an extra bond, whether it's a shared birthday, or a hometown, or even a food allergy? I'd love to hear from others who feel that special attraction to an artist's work, only to find out later that they share a common bond.

I'd love to stay and chat, but I got stuff ta do!